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5 Signs You're Hiding The REAL You On Dates (And How To Stop)

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distant couple

The right person will never find you if you're always hiding who you really are!

Do you have a tendency to act like a chameleon when it comes to dating? And no, I don’t mean you're a lizard!

A "dating chameleon" is someone who fears standing out. A dating chameleon blends in to find approval and love. You may share parts of yourself, but you have a deep fear that if you let your partner sees the real you, they won't accept you and love you.

So, you pretend. You pretend to like golf when you think it’s boring. You pretend to agree with his conservative political beliefs when you’re really a tree-hugging liberal. You act interested despite a feeling of boredom. You pretend it’s OK for him not to text you for three days because you don’t want to appear “needy,” but inside you’re feeling like a wreck.

Women are often connectors and pleasers. We are really good at walking on eggshells to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. We're also really good at denying our own needs and desires. 

Even the strongest women can struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and feeling unlovable. 

You become a dating chameleon for many reasons. Maybe you’re tired of the dating scene and you’re trying to convince yourself that he’s “the One,” even though your gut says otherwise. Maybe you’re tired of being alone on Friday nights and feel like a mediocre date is better than no date at all. Maybe you have a belief that you’re not good enough to find the love that you really desire. Maybe that clock is ticking, and you’re the last of your friends to get married. Or maybe you’ve seen generations of “settling” and believe that’s just how relationships work. 

What’s the risk of chameleon dating? When you’re not showing up in authentic ways with a partner or date, they can’t get to know the real you. They only see the part of you that you're showing, whether or not that's your true self at all. Eventually, though, they will see your truth. No one can hide forever. 

These are 5 signs that you're chameleon dating and attracting the wrong kind of partner for you:

1. You find yourself agreeing with everything your date likes, says or does, even when you really don’t agree.

It doesn’t mean you have to act like a disagreeable, miserable date! But if you find yourself acting like you like something in order to get your date to approve of you, you may end up with a lifetime of golf games when you'd rather hit the powder on a ski slope.  

2. You pretend you're disinterested and aloof after you don’t hear from your date for a while, when you’re really chomping at the bit for a text message.

If you pretend you're someone who's OK with occasional, distant contact, you may end up with someone who prefers the same. This could spell heartbreak if you’re looking for commitment.

3. Your self-esteem suffers after a date, or maybe after just looking through online profiles.  

You start to tell yourself that you’re not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. You compare yourself — your lifestyle, your money, your looks — and tell yourself there’s no way this person would spend their life with you.

4. You stretch the truth. 

And you speak ambiguously about things you’re embarrassed for your date to know or tell white lies about your life, all in the interest of someone accepting and loving you.

5. You date “below” you.

You date partners who really aren’t a good match for your lifestyle, your intellectual or emotional levels or your religious or political beliefs. These are “safe” partners who, on some level, may seem like they’ll stick around because you’re the better half of the partnership and they’d never want to leave you. But then you end up feeling resentful, bored and unfulfilled.  

The best way to know if you're becoming a chameleon dater is to get really honest with yourself. Do you feel something uneasy in your gut when you’re on a date with someone? Something's screaming a loud “No!” inside of you, or you feel a nagging sense that something isn’t right. It won’t feel right if you're disconnected from your truth — the real, raw, authentic beauty inside of you.

Instead of being a chameleon, choose your real self.

Trust that every single human being has something beautiful inside and out. You have something beautiful to offer to your beloved when the right one arrives. It makes it impossible for your beloved to find you when you’re hiding. Stand out!

Be brave. Be YOU. Be loved.  


This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.


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