What's Keeping You From Initiating Sex?

Who's in charge in your bedroom? You? Or Him?

If the answer is him, then you're missing out on being fully present in your sexual relationship, which is not only vital to your relationship but vital to your own health and sense of self. My next question is then: As a woman, why aren't you initiating sex? If you're not sure what the answer is then I urge you to take a closer look for the sake of your own sexual identity.

First of all, women are complex. We have a hard time focusing on just one of our many interconnected parts. This is why a woman needs to feel mentally fulfilled by her partner before having sex (whereas most men can compartmentalize their mental frustrations, yet still be ready and able for sex).

Secondly, we live in a world where women are wearing WAY more hats than ever before. One woman alone can be a mommy, a wife, a professional, captain of the household's social calendar, a housekeeper, a kiddy "schlepper" (aka driving the kids from one activity to the next), a cook/meal preparer, etc. That said, it's no wonder why so many women have put their sexual needs on the back burner, leaving it up to their partners to initiate the sexual connection.

If you are a "multi hat" wearing woman who is hardly initiating sex with your partner, then read below to learn about five common obstacles that may be keeping you from taking charge in the bedroom:

1. Exhaustion: One of the most common complaints I hear from my female patients is how they are simply too tired and too overworked to even THINK about sex, let alone initiate. After a day full of work, kids, errands, etc., the idea of sex can unfortunately feel like a chore instead of a sacred and exhilarating time with your partner.

Solution: If you are a woman caught in the "exhaustion web" then you need to ask yourself: Where in my life can I either slow down, delegate to others, and/or let go of responsibilities that are not as high priority so that I can reserve energy and interest for my relationship at home? Are you a stay-at-home mom who strives to "do it all" with no help? If so, it may be time to hire a housekeeper once a week. Whatever your situation may be, self-care is essential in order to keep your libido alive and well.

2. Poor body image: Women are conscious about their bodies. Period. You may be one of those women who feels the guilt and/or shame that your body just isn't the same as when you first married. Or are you someone who never lost all of the baby weight since giving birth and now find yourself lost in a world of mac-n-cheese leftovers while forgetting what your gym looks like? For many women, poor body image equates to low self-esteem—and if you are not feeling sexy, then the likelihood of trying to seduce your partner is highly unlikely.

Solution: First, it's important to remember that you being sexually satisfying to your partner has little to do with how you feel about your body. Chances are your partner is thrilled to have "sexy times" with you no matter what, so make sure you don't project your insecurities onto him.