Want Your Ex To Miss You? Here's What To Do


Some simple steps you can take to make your ex miss you and feel nostalgic about your time together.

One of the most common questions I'm asked is, "how can I get my ex to miss me after our breakup?"

It's an understandable question, and it's a topic that deserves attention.

So, let's imagine your ex dumped you. Now you're unhappy and you miss them, and it’s only natural you would want them to miss you...especially if you're trying to get back together and give the relationship a second chance.

That's one possibility. The other one is for revenge, right? That blankety-blank S.O.B. dumped you and now you want to make them regret what they did, come crawling back saying they miss you, right?

So the first thing for you to do is to be honest about why you want your ex to miss you. That takes a bit of time for reflection, and it's probably a good idea to write down what you're thinking and feeling. Answer this simple question for me: why do you want your ex to miss you?

Answer that question honestly on paper every morning for a week, and then get back to me.

OK. If your reason is for revenge, then I have to say, why bother? The person dumped you, and if you don't intend to try and have a further relationship with them, then forget them. They're dead to you. Don't waste your time trying to manipulate them. Learn how to move on!

I don't care if you're angry at your ex. Of course you're angry! Of course you're hurt. Being dumped hurts! It turns your whole world upside down. And I understand that if you're angry you want to strike back, to hurt the person who hurt you so much. That's where things like the revenge diet come into play—people think if they slim down, tone up at the gym, and show themselves off to their ex they will be able to hurt them, to say, "I told you so."

But answer me this simple question: how is hurting your ex going to make your life better?

It isn't. But it is going to make you an uglier person for a while. If you spend many hours every day scheming on how to get revenge on someone, then that consumes you and you stop spending time enjoying your own life and being happy. You end up hurting yourself instead of the other person. Someone said that holding on to that kind of hatred is like drinking poison and hoping it will hurt the other person.

So, if you've honestly answered that your reason for wanting your ex to miss you is revenge, then I don't have any other advice for you than...get a life!

However, let's say you hope or intend to patch things up with your ex, to get back together, or at least to get along as friends in the future. Then isn't it OK to want them to miss you?

Sure, and especially if you miss them, it's normal to wish for them to miss you back. But it's important to be realistic about it!

First, after any breakup, I urge you to observe a long period of silence and no contact with your ex. Perhaps you think that silence will make them wonder about you and perhaps miss you. Maybe it will, but the real purpose of the silent period, usually a full month of not contacting your ex in any way, is for you to get yourself together. It has nothing to do with them!

During that month of no contact, you have time to absorb your new reality—hey, you're single now, not in a relationship. And guess what? Being single is OK. The way you teach yourself that is by spending that month working on yourself. You get off your couch, go out and do stuff that's fun and good for you. Take a trip someplace you've always wanted to go. Join a club where you can have fun, learn something new, and be around people in a social environment. Sign up for a class at your local college or community center. Always wanted to learn to cook, or draw, or paint? Try it out.

At the end of that month you will have had time to consciously and subconsciously process your emotions about the breakup. And you'll have a much better chance of honestly answering the question Do I really want to get back together with my ex?

If the answer is still honestly yes, then all the things you've already been doing—living your life instead of moping around with the curtains drawn—are the things that will make your ex miss you. Think about it: if you're a happier, healthier person, you're automatically more attractive to everyone, not just your ex, not just possible new romantic partners, but also to new friends.

(Note: if you're concerned that your ex may not be interested in getting back together, or that you might be wasting your time, take this quiz to find out your odds of success!)

After a month (or more, even) of going out and living your life, having fun, learning new things, meeting new people, then you can carefully resume contact with your ex. The best way is through some trivial but friendly text messages. You can say how much you're enjoying your sculpture class, and invite your ex to the show the class is having at the end of the term. Or you can recommend a new restaurant you tried—Hey, I remember how much you like Thai food, and I went to this great Thai restaurant a couple days ago. You should check it out. (Note: Not 'we' should check it out!)

That message shows that you remember your ex liked Thai food, for example. It reminds them you know them well and may remind them of good times you two had together. That plants a little seed of remembrance that may (no guarantees here) grow into something bigger.

Another way to give your ex an opportunity to miss you is to share bits of your new life, say, on social media. Post some pictures from when you went skydiving, or put up a recipe from your cooking class. Share these with all your friends, including your ex—don't creep them out by making it just about them! If you're really out there enjoying life and being happy, you've done everything you can to get your ex to miss you.

Best of luck!


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