Better you know now.
Today, I spoke to a client. She is also a friend, someone I met whilst walking my spiritual path. We connected and recognized each other’s search for our truth, our purpose in the here and now.
Today, she called me to tell me about a revelation she had. This is a woman whose eyes lit up when I told her I was a relationship coach, she probed me, pushed me, and asked me for solutions to her husband's lack of involvement in the family, his lack of responsibility towards her and the kids, and his inability to see where he was holding himself and therefore the family back.
She was so convinced that her husband held the key to all her problems that she believed she may even be sabotaging her business. She believed that a secret promise she made to herself in the dark of the night as she lay plotting her future and silently fuming, that when she could afford to, she would leave her husband.
She felt stifled by a relationship which seemed one-sided and where she felt she had to keep her guard up.
She occasionally ran stealth missions back towards the marriage then go back into hiding again for fear of having to face the inevitable fallout of her marriage.
At the same time, however, she was working furiously on herself. This whole time we have known each other, she was digging deeper, healing old wounds, and finding her business passion. Yet, she couldn’t lose the feeling that if only her husband would do what she knew was right for him, then they would all be better off.
What happened next is pretty amazing. She got caught up in her work, she was learning, teaching, and practicing. She was immersed in her own stuff. She took her eye off her husband, his failings, and her disappointment. She forgot all the "should's", "could's", and "if only’s" she had been nurturing.
She didn’t have time to dwell on what wasn’t working, so passionate was she about what was working well. She was so excited about her work and her waking thoughts were filled with the excitement of her what she was creating in her business. Her enthusiasm was contagious and she found herself, quite by accident, sharing with her husband.
He was her sounding board and her guinea pig. As they talked, shared, and he helped her with her studies... BAM! She saw it.
She had been sabotaging this relationship for years. She was scared he would leave her. She didn’t feel worthy of his love, kindness, and understanding, so she pushed and pushed and controlled and speculated and blamed and withdrew and the whole while, she was convinced that if only he would change, all would be well.
The truth? Well, all she had to was let go and the answer became clear. She needed to change, no one else. This is great news because we can only change ourselves, we can’t change other people, not by willpower, not by manipulation and not by wishful thinking.
We can’t change our situation. We can’t change the troubles that life throws us. But if we are the problem, well great, we have a fighting chance because we can change ourselves.
I was so grateful she thought to call me and share this epiphany with me. Not everyone is lucky enough to reach the level of understanding she did. So many of us, unfortunately, harbor those thoughts that other people are causing our pain, discomfort, marriage breakdown.
I had a similar epiphany as I worked furiously on myself to become mentally and emotionally strong enough to leave my husband. You see, he was to blame for all my problems.
He didn’t respect me or listen to me. He was a bit of a bully, if the truth be told. Again, I took my eye off the ball because frankly, I was no longer interested in him, in our relationship, or our future together and concentrated on myself and getting myself into a good healthy positive mindset.
It was one hell of a journey. I had never felt so exposed, or alive. It was the first time I felt that I, too, had a purpose and I was elated to begin working on something that filled me with hope and a lightness for the future.
So intent I was in searching for gratitude and reasons to smile that I stopped thinking about my husband’s failings and after some time, I actually began to question how it was possible that he had changed so much.
Guess what? He didn't change. I did. And as a result, he no longer felt that he had to defend his every word thought to action.
I nearly threw away a perfectly good marriage because I couldn’t see my part in the relationship dynamic.
With so many people divorcing in ambivalence and living to regret it, how about this?
Just for a minute, play with the idea that you are co-creating the problems. After all, it takes two to tango and until you can step up and take responsibility for your part (which could be simply that you don’t feel worthy of love or you have never been taught to set healthy boundaries), then the same dynamics will continue to play out time and again in every subsequent relationship.
Don't let fear of looking inside your heart and jeopardize your present and future relationships. Ask yourself the question: "What is my part in this situation?" Then, just listen quietly as you intuition reveals the answer.
To know more on how Allison Reiner works and how she can help you, check out her website, email her at email@example.com. Or to get working immediately, why not download her 5 step worksheet to help identify where you can begin to make changes? Click here. To get to know Allison, join her Facebook Community.