15 Men Explain Their Favorite (Super Weird) Masturbation Techniques

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How To Masturbate: Weird But Effective Masturbation Techniques For Men
Sex

Wow.

When it comes to men and self-pleasure, it's no surprise that most guys love it. After all, what do most men enjoy second only to beer, sports, and allowing their jobs consume them? Why, having sex, of course! And while, yes, every man is different and every man's libido is likely to ebb and flow over time, from the time most young males begin thinking about how to masturbate, their quest for discovering the best and most "effective" masturbation techniques becomes a nearly full-time occupation.

I don't know about you, but if I were asked to imagine a man blowing his own horn, so to speak, I would picture him lying down on his bed or sitting in front of his computer screen, putting one hand to work vigorously and valiantly in the pursuit of an orgasm. I mean, it's not like this is some form of high art. I may not have a penis, but I know how they work, and I've seen enough guys at work on their own that I feel it's fair to say that my conception of what a guy does while going solo comes pretty close to what most of you other women out there probably assume it looks like, too. 

But, ladies, we couldn't be more wrong...

It all started when a guy I know was talking to me about how he first learned to take care of his own sexual needs by rubbing his penis against his left thigh while wearing his pants.

"That worked for you?" I asked him.

He nodded. "I'm pretty sure it's actually why I have a significant curve to the left."

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That's probably not the case, as every penis is a snowflake with its own unique twists and turns, like any good story, but it got me thinking: if this guy had such a unique way of taking care of business, are there other guys out there who have their own weird techniques? 

The short answer is, oh my god, yes.

I reached out to a group of men whose identities I vowed to keep anonymous asked them to share their most unusual masturbation techniques with me. Their confessions are sometimes painful, typically funny, and not at all what I expected.

Here are 15 stories men shared about the weirdest things they tried while learning how to masturbate.

1. Using a rolled up carpet as a makeshift girlfriend.

"When I was a kid I would roll up my rug and get on top of it and sort of dry hump it. I have no idea why it was hot to me, but it was. I had to do it for more than hour to get any result and I'd usually walk away with welts on my body from the material. It took me a while to regain sensitivity again after doing that for so long."

2. Playing "mind games."

"Sometimes I can ejaculate without using my hands by just focusing on tensing up and then releasing the muscles of my penis over and over again until I have an orgasm."

3. "Experimenting" with a flip-phone.

"One day when I was in school I noticed that my flip phone had a really powerful vibration feature and it got me thinking..."

"I tried to put my penis inside by folding the two halves over it and then got the vibration going. It felt fine, but it definitely did not get the job done."

4. Hoovering it up.

"Yeah, I once stuck my penis in a Hoover vacuum cleaner. I would give it an 8 out of 10 gold stars, meaning I would highly recommend it to any guy who's curious. It's just loud, so you feel like everyone knows what you did."

(Editor's note: We cannot vouch for the safety of this procedure. Thank you. You may now carry on...)

5. Getting extra cozy on the couch.

"Back when I was in high school, I 'used' the space between the cushions of our living room couch."

6. Via a Lego fleshlight.

"As a horny crazed teenager, I built myself a lego self-lovin' machine. I'm actually kinda proud of my machine, but I don't really feel like I can tell anyone about it. Over the course of its lifetime, I upgraded it several times and made various improvements. That's all I can say about it for now..."

7. On the flip side.

"Most guys do it by sitting down, wrapping their hand around their penis and using it in an up-and-down motion, but that doesn't work for me. Instead, I lay stomach down on my bed and thrust the tip of my penis against the tips of my fingers, so it essentially looks like I'm shagging the bed. I can have an orgasm within 60 seconds 9 out of 10 times when I do it this way, and my orgasms are better than ones I have during sex."

RELATED: 3 Reasons Men Suddenly Stop Masturbating

8. Taking a sultry shower with someone's pouf.

"Back when I was young I liked to get freaky with the shower pouf. It should have been scratchy, but weirdly if I got enough soap on there it was fine. There was always one in the shower and I went to town on it. I actually have no idea who it belonged to, though."

9. Making love... with the toilet paper roll.

"When I was eleven, I had sex with the cardboard tube from an empty toilet paper roll until I bled. Clearly, this was not a good idea. I don't recommend it at all."

10. Applying the campfire technique.

"My favorite was using two sticks on my penis like when you're starting a campfire with wooden sticks. You place one stick on the ground and the other standing up and then do that twisty back and forth motion with both palm open on the upright stick. I did it all the time as a boy scout. It's brutal. Blood was bled on more than one occasion from the friction burn it caused."

11. The "Jump Jump Special."

"When I was in eighth grade I figured out that if I put my erect penis between my thighs and jumped up and down I could bring myself to an orgasm. It was a lot of work, but it got the job done."

12. Making like a banana. Or rather, making it with a banana.

"I take an Intact banana peel (after removing the banana, obviously) and insert my penis, then rub myself with the peel until I ejaculate. I swear to you that it feels amazing and smells baller."

13. Carrying on a blanket affair.

"I do it almost exclusively by wrapping my whole body up in blankets and sheets and then rubbing myself against them while imagining that I'm being swallowed by a giantess."

14. Buttering it up.

"When I was in high school, I was always nervous that if my mom found lotion in my room she would know I had been up to, so instead, I kept a stash of butter under my bed that I used for lubrication. Naturally, it got a little rancid over time, but did that stop me? Absolutely not." 

15. Backpacking it.

"I constantly used the side pocket of my backpack as a sex toy. I wouldn't lube it up or anything. I would just unzip it, hump it and suffer."


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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:20 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.

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