What Happened When I Took A Magical Unicorn Sex Pill
Now this is happening.
Courtesy of the Author When I spotted the Pink Unicorn sex enhancement pills for sale at my local sex shop, I cooed like a baby being presented with a mirror or perhaps, a leaky tit.
"Oooooh, I want it!"
My boyfriend laughed. "You don't even know what it does!"
I sniffed, indignant at him for being right. "It's called the Pink Unicorn sex pill and it's for sale in a sex shop. There is really only so much the thing can do," I shrugged as I plucked it from its stand and slapped it down on the counter.
Photo: Amazon
The man behind the counter chuckled and told us that while the sex pills are usually sold for ten dollars, he'd happily give it away to me and my boyfriend for the "low low price" of five dollars. "Sold!" I yelled, which startled everyone present.
Later that night after sex, I realized that I had forgotten to take the thing. My boyfriend said that this was probably a good thing since who knows what I could possibly be ingesting.
I didn't say anything, since my revised plans for the magical pill now included taking it and masturbating. I worried that the love of my life would feel left out or that he would try to stop me from ingesting a pill with a literal sparkling unicorn on the packaging, but still, it didn't deter me.
The pill itself is bright pink and makes the following promises to the shopper:
"Improve Your Sexual Performance. Intense Orgasms. Experience Better Lubrication. Quick Action (Improved Formula). Take one capsule one hour before sex to help energy, libido and sexual performance. It can also be used on a regular basis to maintain optimal condition of readiness before sex. The effect of this item may vary from one individual to the next."
My sex life is pretty stellar, but who doesn't get curious about how to push things in the bedroom?
I mean, I'm not like Hellraiser-level bent on pushing things to the extremes, but come on, an orgasm that's even better than your already amazing orgasms? Sign me up!
Besides, I figured if anyone out there knew how to boost my already considerably high libido, it would surely be the mythical sparkling space unicorn pictured on the packaging of my newly acquired sexual supplement.
In a nod to common decency and not going to the hospital because I got sick on a sex pill, I read through the ingredients list. They included: Ashwangadha root, Tribulus terrestris, Horny goat weed extract, Maca root, Panax Ginseng, Bloperine compelx, Soy isoflavone complex, L-Tyrosin, L-Histidine, Choline, Dimethiglycine, NADH.
I started to research each ingredient but didn't actually make it past the ashwangahda root. That's because I learned that in Sanskrit, ashwangahda means "horse-like," a name given to this root because it smells like a horse, y'all. If this was where my magical unicorn pill got its power, I was terrified at what else could be going on inside of this one capsule.
So, before I could do too much thinking, I popped the pill and waited the recommended hour before getting freaky. I dimmed the lights, removed Tom Hardy (that is what I call my Hitachi Magic Wand) from his special resting place (literally just like... under my bed in a sack) and went to town on myself.
I had an orgasm quickly, and another after that, but that's fairly typical of the time I spend with Tom Hardy (the wand, not the man, to be clear). I spent some more time with myself and while I did have another orgasm, nothing about this experience was any different then any other time I've masturbated.
It was after I had cleaned and re-sacked Mr. Hardy that I began to feel a little, well... weird. The packaging says to take a pill an hour prior to sexual activity. It also says not to exceed more than two pills in 72 hours. It doesn't say why but the way I see it, if you're the sort of person to make pink unicorn sex pills a habit, the fine people at the unicorn sex pill company probably know you're beyond warnings.
I didn't feel bad or anything, but I felt ... energized. That's normal for some people after sex but I am not one of those people. I am like a middle-aged man: I orgasm, and then I slumber happily away.
Now, however, I felt activated and motivated. When my roommate got home a couple of hours later, she was greeted by the sight of all of my furniture in our living room. I had decided to use all that pink unicorn sex pill energy to rotate my carpet and reorganize my bedroom.
Listen, I had been meaning to do this stuff for quite some time, and I'm really happy I did it. My room looks great now. But moving furniture is not the same thing as having an amazing orgasm. If they were to market pills designed to make you move furniture and put a unicorn on them, yes, I would gladly take them. Having said that, I realize they do make "furniture moving pills" and they are called speed, and they are very, very illegal.
I won't be taking any more pink unicorn sex pills. There wasn't any noticeable effect on my orgasm, and I can't foresee a need to move my bed from one side of the room to the other again for at least, like, a full year. That said, I've held onto the packaging because let's be real: it's fresh as hell.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.