How To Be A Dominatrix That Men Crave Being With
Take control.
GRSI / shutterstock So you've decided to learn how to be a Dominatrix. Welcome!
Welcome to the club of women who, upon discovering an interest in BDSM, met or sought out a submissive male to start a kinky relationship with, and who are eager to learn how to dominate your man like a pro (the opposite of Fifty Shades of Grey).
A Dominatrix is a woman who takes the dominant role in BDSM and controls her partner in a sexual way.
Learning how to be a Dominatrix isn't just about doling out the pain and roll play. In fact, for some Dom’s, giving discipline and pain can be quite secondary to wielding control and humiliation.
Learning how to dominate a male sub means adopting the right language, confidence, costume, and set of tools to provide the man who has given himself up to your control with everything he needs from you, his chosen partner.
Here are the steps for learning how to be a Dominatrix and start on the path to dominating your man.
1. Gain consent in a sexy way.
It's important to remember that even a Dominatrix needs consent, and actually, consent is a very important rule in the BDSM scene because you want to play the Dom but you also don't want to force your submissive into anything he doesn't feel comfortable doing.
Many Doms establish safety and consent through a safe word before getting started. Asking for what you want during sex can be sexy and not always a mood killer.
You can ask things like: "I'm going to rip your clothes off now, okay?" or "What do you want me to do to you?" or "tell me your safe word."
While safewords are better known as a way for a sub to let their dominant know when inflicting painful actions with your whip, flogger, hand, etc. is too intense without spoiling the fantasy of the scenario, they also serve to protect you both emotionally. Paying attention to body language can help too because you can easily tell if he’s either in too much pain or doesn’t like what you’re doing.
When you establish a solid safe word or safe phrase, you don't need to be concerned about pushing him too far physically, mentally, or emotionally.
That's one of the secrets of a D/s relationship like this. While you're the one in spiked heels doling out the lashes, he's the one with the control. Knowing you have to stay within his clearly defined boundaries is what allows him to completely let down his guard and surrender to you in the bedroom.
2. Choose your words.
The key to domination is confidence, and while confidence is very much an attitude, you can also embody it with the words you choose.
The first thing you'll want to do is give him his responses. In real life, he gets to decide how things go (at least to a certain degree, what with free will and all).
However, when the two of you are together that all goes out the window. This is a safe space, but you're the one in charge.
The first step is to figure out how would you like him to address you: Miss? Madame? Mistress? The options are endless.
Find an honorific that suits your needs and gives you as much of a thrill as it gives him, albeit in a very different way.
Think of being his Dominatrix as the ultimate power dynamic and trip. The world of BDSM is your oyster here. It's your show, and he's looking to you for guidance. In fact, as a submissive, that's exactly what he craves.
Next, don't be afraid to issue commands. For most submissives, that's exactly what they want.
Some sample commands may include:
1. "Lick my feet, slave."
2. "Crawl across the floor to me with your head bowed. Now."
3. "Lay face down spread eagle and don't move until I give you further instructions."
For many men, humiliation is also key. Although you should be sure to check in with him regarding all of this before you begin.
Once he has confirmed his consent to be erotically humiliated, you can say things like:
1. "You're nobody. Nothing."
2. "You're a disgusting worm."
3. "You're such a dirty little boy."
It's normal to feel a bit uneasy trying this stuff out on a man for the first time, especially a man you love, even if it's what he's specifically asked you for.
3. Choose your clothing.
One of the biggest elements when it comes to dominating a man is the fantasy world you create together.
Yup, that's right, you have to dress the part.
Turns out if you go into humiliating your dude thinking about bland day-to-day stuff like what the two of you will do for Thanksgiving, it can be really hard to get him to do stuff like lick the bottoms of your spiked heels without the whole thing feeling a little, well, off.
If you want to be a Dominatrix, you've got to set the scene by dressing the part.
Photo: Amazon
Leather is always a good option.
It's traditional, it's vampy and it's never going to make you feel like you've just dashed out to the corner store to grab a pint of milk.
Leather makes you stand a little bit taller and square those shoulders, too. If you want him to know who's boss, an ensemble with leather at its core is 100 percent the way to go.
However, just because leather is traditional S&M garb, that doesn't mean wearing it in all its splendor has to be your go-to version of dressing as a Femdom.
Maybe your guy works in "Corporate America" and his fantasy involves you in a form-fitting, no-nonsense business suit. Or maybe capturing the spirit of the super-strict librarian in the skin-tight, houndstooth pencil skirt he remembers fondly from days of old is the way to get him drooling.
Photo: Amazon
Of course, when it comes to choosing an outfit to dom while dominating your man, the key isn't only tapping into his fantasies, but into your fantasies, as well. Think about the kinds of attire that make you feel deeply powerful and give that a try!
4. Choose your sex toys.
Sex toys aren't normally something we think of as being a regular part of a man's masturbatory sex life.
In fact, if you asked about sex toys, many men say that they dislike them, thinking of them as being something women only bring into the bedroom if her male partner can't pass muster. Yeah, that means he's not giving her orgasms. Eye roll.
The truth is that both men and women can benefit from using sex toys.
For men, using them alone can heighten the pleasure of their experience, and during sex, they can prolong and intensify the connection and chemistry with their partner. This all goes, like, quadruple when you bring toys into BDSM play.
If you're a submissive male, sex toys can really take things to the next level, so if you wanna be the Femme Dom of his dreams, it's time to add some to the equation.
Submissive men expect their Dom to give them a decent bit of torture, and for many, that means bringing to the point of an erection but not allowing them to do anything about it.
Using any of these toys will free your hands up to continue driving him nuts as you force him to do your every bidding.
1. Pulse III Solo Vibrator
Photo: Amazon
Vibrators aren't just for women, FYI. Dudes can use them too, and this is a great example of one that is perfect for use on a submissive man. It slips onto the penis comfortably with a little bit of lubrication (but of course) and then has several different settings of vibration.
Usually, vibration alone isn't enough to bring a man to climax, which makes a toy like this ideal for "orgasm torture," something that makes many submissive men weak at the knees.
Make him wear this as you tease him, and when he's on the verge of having an orgasm, turn that sucker off. It will drive him wild and have him begging for release.
All in good time, my pet. All in good time.
2. Penis Cage
Photo: Amazon
Ever heard of a chastity belt? Well, that's exactly what we've got going on here, only instead of keeping a vagina from being plundered, it's designed to keep a penis under lock and key: literally.
A penis cage is designed to not only keep a man from being able to access his penis in any way until his Dom allows it but it's also designed to put a little bit of pressure on his penis should he even begin to get an erection.
This transforms the exquisite anticipation of sex into something forbidden and unattainable, which is basically as good as a chocolate fudge sundae to a male sub.
Just make sure you do not lose the key. That's one visit to the E.R. you don't want to make.
3. Penis Plug
Photo: Amazon
For some men who are into being dominated, stretching or "plugging" the urethra is one of the hottest things around, so there are a wide array of penis plugs and urethra stretchers specifically designed with these guys in mind.
The popular term for gaining sexual pleasure from putting foreign objects inside of the urethra is called "sounding." It's certainly not for everyone, but for men who do enjoy having their urethras manipulated, using a plug that latches onto the penis with a prong that extends into the penis can be a great way for his Dom to excite him.
4. Cockring Plug
Photo: Amazon
A cock ring is most often used by men with erectile dysfunction to help them temporarily maintain and strengthen their erections by cutting off the flow of blood to the penis. They are also used as sex toys by men, who sometimes also use them to restrict blood flow to their testicles, to enhance the feeling of orgasm, and to prolong sexual intercourse with their partners.
A cock ring plug combines a cock ring with a butt plug designed to stimulate his prostate. The combined sensations of squeezing on his erection and massaging on his prostate prolong the delicious agony. And remember, in this case, prolonging the agony is exactly what your man wants from you.
Congratulations! You now have all of the tools necessary for the ultimate sexual domination of your man.
Remember, this is a process, and there are two of you involved.
Don't be afraid to review each encounter together afterward to talk about what was hot for you both and what you'd each like to improve upon for the next time.
Now go out there, start exploring, and get kinky!
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.