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Technology gets messy.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Jun 29, 2017
The first time I tried to use something as a vibrator that wasn't a vibrator, I was about 19.
I went full on MacGuyver (albeit a MacGuyver of the sex toys variety), taking the head off my rechargeable toothbrush, wrapping it up in a washcloth, and trying (and failing) to make myself have a quick orgasm.
It didn't work, but I didn't force the issue: I was only going to be away from my own collection of vibrators for the night, so I didn't feel the need to try and make this buzzing, sharp, cloth lump into something sexy and viable for use up in my bits.
I never really tried to use anything else that wasn't a vibrator as a vibrator until last night when bagging up my iPhone in a Ziploc, I worked it furiously on my clit in the hopes of finding out whether or not those vibrator apps you see available on the app store and elsewhere actually work.
iTunes
I downloaded five different apps, and they were all hot garbage. Even the best one, Buru Buru, is a total trash nightmare that involves you frantically swiping away ads for varicose vein surgery in order to change the vibration settings.
Buru Buru has three three settings. They are of equal strength, they just increase in speed. If you want a prolonged buzz with no interruptions, that's too bad. Even the most frequent vibration pattern felt less like a vibrator and more like someone angrily texting you just one word at a time (a sin, we can all agree to be, the most heinous imaginable).
I don't have any problem having an orgasm, and I think if my phone had been a different shape, it might have been a different story. Instead, there I was, prone on my bed with my phone in a little plastic baggie trying to find an angle that didn't make me look and feel like someone whose vocal chords lived in their vagina.
The plastic bag scratched and chaffed but I figured I was better off dealing with that than with trying to explain to a Genius Bar representative that I had drowned my phone in my own bodily secretions.
The worst part of the entire experience was when I got a phone call in the middle of trying to masturbate. I'm pretty sure I accidentally picked up my mom's call (because of course it was my mom). Thankfully, the plastic bag spared us both the indignity of having to get into what was currently transpiring.
If you are thinking about downloading one of those vibrator apps to save yourself a few pennies, don't do it. Just shell out ten bucks for a bullet vibe and you'll have infinitely more luck.
Amazon
If you want to get your smartphone involved in your masturbation, I fully support this and I salute you. That said, I think your best bet is to invest in a sex toy with Bluetooth capabilities that you and your partner can control from an app in the app store. Those are modern and kinky and sexy fun, and, because they are controlling real sex toys your success rate when it comes to having an orgasm is much higher.
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