35 Things You Should Never Say To A Naked Woman

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naked women
Self

Just. Don't.

When a woman decides to strip herself of all clothes and present a man with her naked body, he should only ever say two words: "Thank you." 

Unfortunately for the males of the species, being in direct contact with a naked woman can short-circuit their brains. 

It isn't entirely their fault, though, it's their biology. After all, seeing a naked woman is definitely going to redirect some of their blood flow away from their brain and send it straight to the penis that they hope to make use of shortly. 

Sadly, sometimes this redirected blood flow can make men who are staring at a naked woman say something that is going to not just keep them from getting laid, but could also keep them from ever seeing that woman again, naked or otherwise. 

Related: 12 Celebrities Whose Naked Pics Were Hacked

If you're about to strip down for a dude for the first time and you're worried he's going to botch it, or if you're a dude who is terrified that saying the wrong then when presented with a naked woman's body for the first time, do not panic. 

I've come up with a list of 35 things to help you figure out what you should absolutely NEVER say to a naked woman, under any circumstances, on pain of blue balls. 

  1. "Hello ladies!"
     
  2. "You're so pale."
     
  3. "You look so much better naked than you do with clothes on."
     
  4. "I can see someone shaved!"
     
  5. "Your boobs are softer-looking than I imagined."
     
  6. "I can't wait to grab that broad part of your ass." 
     
  7. "Ouch, you need to buy new bras, those marks look painful."
     
  8. "Babe, you need to get that mole checked out."
     
  9. "Not now."
     
  10. "You remind me so much of my mom."
     
  11. "I love your little potbelly." 
     
  12. "My parents are in the living room along with the parish priest and that one teacher who humiliated you in middle school."
     
  13. "Whoa, I didn't expect THAT."
     
  14. "Mmm, cellulite."
     
  15. "I love a girl with meat on her bones."
     
  16. "You look like my brother."
     
  17. "Your biceps are bigger than mine!"
     
  18. "Can I turn the lights off?"
     
  19. "Why's your belly button so deep?"
     
  20. "I've never seen a big girl naked before."
     
  21. "It's so cute how your boobs are different sizes."
     
  22. "Houston, we have a problem."
     
  23. "Your nipples are HUGE!"
     
  24. "You cool with me being on top? It's just... my back?"
     
  25. "Get over here, thunder thighs."
     
  26. "You look just like one of those fertility statues." 
     
  27. "The only way this could be hotter is if my hot-ass neighbor was here, too."
     
  28. "Jesus wept."
     
  29. "Are you... okay? Like, is it supposed to... do that?"
     
  30. "Man, your skin is dry. I'm going to call you gator girl."
     
  31. "*sings* I can show you the wooooorld!"
     
  32. "Do you smell that?" 


    Related: 12 Thoughts That Go Through Every Lady's Mind During A Bikini Wax

     
  33. "Your clit looks just like my ex's." 
     
  34. "I'm gonna need a drink."
     
  35. "I think I'm gonna cry."