How To Have An Orgasm (Even When You Think You Can't!)

Photo: unsplash
how to orgasm when you think you can't
Sex

Advice from a gynecologist (who also happens to be a woman).

Athletic and outgoing, Tammy is an attractive 23-year-old student at Boulder College. She drops in for her checkups during summer and Christmas breaks, always sure to remind me to check for STDs. Tammy’s naturally inquisitive nature, combined with her major in Women’s Studies always make for lively and progressive conversations.

She’d never been hesitant to ask anything about her body, until her last visit.

As tears welled up in her eyes, she looked directly at me and confessed, “I have to ask you something, but it’s completely embarrassing.” I assured her that there was little chance of her embarrassing herself, especially in front of me.

“Okay,” she said, and then blurted out, “I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm!”

And the conversation began.

All of us are a product of our upbringing — parents, siblings, best friends, partners past and present — and, for some of us, our religion.

Often times, what’s forgotten in that upbringing is the encouragement to explore one’s sexuality.

Ironic, really, because sexuality is as part of our lives as eating and sleeping. The obvious solution to this omission is the pursuit of your own personal sexual revelations.

It’s time to take that bashful vagina in hand (literally) and lead the exploration.

Bashful V? I’m talking about the inability to have or ask for the sexual pleasure associated with vaginal stimulation.

Whether you’ve never had an orgasm, or you have certain sexual or emotional issues that get in the way of intimacy, there are things you can do to acquaint your vagina with some fun.

Many women have a very difficult time achieving orgasm.

Through the years I’ve met a number of women in their 30s, 40s and 50s who have never even had an orgasm.

In fact, ten to twenty percent of all women have never experienced one. That information was certainly a shock to Tammy, although it did squelch her tears a bit in knowing that she wasn’t alone, and that there was a solution.

 

Masturbation  Stigmas need not apply!

First let me say that masturbation is a completely normal, common activity that is completely healthyIt is an act during which you touch or self-stimulate your genitals to achieve sexual arousal and pleasure, resulting in an orgasm...but, not always.

A recent study revealed that 89% of women masturbate and 95% of men.

Masturbation tends to be the very first sexual experience to bring on an orgasm for both sexes.

Unfortunately, masturbation is a topic that is strictly off limits in some circles. The word alone can bring about embarrassment, insuring shame and anxiety around the very thought of it.

The Benefits of Masturbation 

  • You will understand what makes you feel good so you may help your partner with a successful road map in bed.

  • It’s a sexual activity that’s not only normal and healthy, it’s pleasurable and safe.

  • It’s the perfect tension and stress reliever.

  • It’s a natural sleeping pill.

  • It’s a guaranteed way to avoid SDIs and pregnancy.
     

Is masturbation ever harmful?

  • Rarely does it cause any physical injury or bodily harm. Trauma to your lady parts, including the vagina, labia or clitoris is more likely when using objects not meant to be used inside the vagina.

  • Certain cultures and religion deem masturbation a sin, which may make the act a shameful one, leading to great guilt and distress.

  • Excessive masturbation that interferes with your daily life may cause anxiety.
     

The Clitoriready for its close-up.

It may (or may not) surprise you to learn that in a recent survey among young women ages 16-25 half could not find the vagina on a medical diagram.

Not only could they not identify the diagramed V, 65 percent of those women were so embarrassed to say the word ‘vagina’ they had to use slang terms in referring to it.

A test group of university- aged women didn’t fare much better in their vagina knowledge. One-third of the group was unable to find the clitoris on a medical diagram. Clearly, if you can’t find the clit, how are you going to seek enjoyment from it?

With its 8,000 highly sensitive nerve endings, the main function of the clitoris is to give pleasure! Compare that to its male equivalent, the penis, which pales in comparison with a mere 4,000 nerve endings.

The clitoris is basically the female version of the penis.

When stimulated, the clitoris becomes hard and grows to three times its size, in the same way that the penis does — however, the clitoris takes longer than the penis for that arousal; around ten to fifteen minutes longer.

You can stimulate the clitoris with fingers, the tongue or with the penis during vaginal intercourse, but remember that it is extremely delicate and needs a soft touch initially.

Take time to figure out your personal preference. You may realize that after light stimulation, harder and stronger pressure is needed to reach orgasm.

Incidentally, most women agree that the best stimulation of the clitoris comes from the tongue.

 

Now what?

Masturbation is a skill. It has to be learned, just as walking, running, singing and brushing your teeth (albeit it’s a bit more fun than flossing).

First, the setting must be right. Being in the mood and creating a relaxing environment will help make your experience a success.

Get rid of distractions, turn off your cell phone, turn on relaxing music, clear your mind, focus, and empower yourself by taking control of your emotional, physical and sexual needs.

Try using two fingers and a vaginal lubricant to gently stroke the area on and around the clitoris and clitoral hood. You may start by touching your clit lightly at first, followed by harder and stronger pressure as it becomes stimulated and hard.

This may take ten minutes to an hour.

As the clit is stimulated, you can squeeze your butt cheeks together, which contracts your pelvic floor muscles — basically you’re doing Kegels! The Kegel contractions can help you achieve an orgasm.

As the pleasure builds in your clitoral area, it spreads throughout your body, affirming your methods.

As I talked about earlier on in She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women's Intimate Health. Period., you may want to move on to lubricants with sex toys, porn and fantasy in finding how to bring yourself pleasure.

A most popular vibrator is the “Original Magic Wand,” sometimes referred to as the holy grail of vibrators — a hallowed endorsement if I ever heard one.

What’s important is that you know what feels good and what doesn’t.

Intimacy and sexual satisfaction are basic, instinctual human needs.

Help your partner by verbalizing what feels good. In order to do that, you must be able to say it to yourself. Talk to a healthcare provider you trust if you feel you need help in talking with your partner.

Call it polishing the pearl, or beating the bishop; it doesn’t matter. Make up your own private name for pleasuring yourself, as long as you realize that it’s a normal and healthy pastime with proven health benefits.

 

Masturbation taboos

It’s funny, when you think men literally hold their penises at least a couple times a day in the average course of peeing.

They know exactly what their sex organ feels and looks like.

Not so much for women because of the vagina’s internal existence, which means that we have to make a concerted effort to get to know our vaginas.

In knowing, we also discover what feels good.

You are the person in charge of your vagina and clitoris.

First and foremost get to know your female parts intimately.

Understanding your sexual response is a necessary health and wellness skill. Make mastery of that skill a priority. You are the one to lead yourself to your own sexual freedom and satisfaction.

Investigate, masturbate, give your vagina the attention it needs and deserves.

After all, you have the power to avoid a Bashful V!

Sheryl A. Ross, M.D., “Dr. Sherry,” is an award-winning OBG/YN, entrepreneur, women’s health expert and author of the book, She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women’s Intimate Health. Period. She is also the founder of Cycl, the first of its kind wellness brand for women by women based on her ground-breaking 7 Cycls™ approach that tracks the 7 distinct and individualized cycles women experience in their lives.

Excerpt taken from She-ology: The Definitive Guide To Women's Intimate Health. Period. (Savio Republic, copyright 2017) by Dr. Sheryl Ross. Slightly edited to fit this format. 

 

Author
Contributor