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This is what makes you shine.
By Aly Walansky — Written on Jul 07, 2017
As women, we know we want to be sexy. But is being sexy just about sex? Not really. It's not even about how we walk or what we wear. It's about our personality and how we say and do what we say and do.
"I have always been fascinated by the observation that women who are considered to be sexy are not necessarily the most physically attractive. Women who like themselves, are confident and have interests and a healthy vitality tend to be viewed as sexy. Sexy is all about being exciting and men find women who are "alive with pleasure" to be sexy. Interestingly, some of the most physically attractive women who are needy, cloying and negative are not seen as sexy. I have always believed that sexy is all about personality style," says relationship and parenting expert Barbara Greenberg Ph.D.
So, what makes a woman sexy to a man that has nothing to do with sex? A whole lot.
1. You are certain.
Certainty is the most attractive and attracting trait that creates magnetism and makes others have confidence and trust in you.
"Certainty goes deeper than confidence but doesn't touch cocky. Certainly is a knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you bring to the table. It's owning the awesomeness that you are confidently vulnerable. The more you are honest with, accept, and own yourself, the more you are able to shine, the more magnetically, memorably, powerfully certain you can be," says dating expert Laurel House.
2. You are confident.
When a woman is confident, without being conceited, it is super-sexy and attractive to a guy.
"A self-assured woman radiates confidence in herself. For guys that equates to a lack of need for constant reassurance or game playing in a relationship. This is a woman who knows herself, goes after her dreams and respects herself — all of which is incredibly sexy to most guys," says sex expert Antonia Hall, MA., psychologist, relationship expert, sexpert, and the author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life.
3. You smile.
Having a big smile and being genuinely happy with yourself and your life is what makes a woman sexy to a man.
"A man wants to be able to please his woman, and if she's already fulfilled, living the life she desires then he can see himself easily stepping into the life with her and keep her happy," says Hall.
4. You are strong.
The go-getter who is assertive and has internal strength is sexy.
"There will be times when she needs his support or assistance, but she's not needy. She is resilient and knows that even when life has its downs, she will not fall apart. That internal strength assures him that they can get through life together," says Hall.
5. You are magnetic.
"You don’t want to be 'completed' because you are already whole. You put effort into yourself, both for you and them. They wake up thinking about you, you pop into their mind throughout the day, and they like hearing your voice or seeing your name light up in a text before heading to bed. You are boyfriend/girlfriend material, and more than that, marriage material. You are unapologetically you. You have nothing to prove because you know that you already have it and are it," says House.
6. You are fun.
Are you a happy person? Are you happy with your life, your work, your purpose, your state of being? Or are you that incessant Debbie Downer who counters a compliment with a “yeah but...” and makes snarky comments about smiling couples, who is quick with a complaint and expects to be disappointed?
"A guy isn’t going to make you happy. That’s not his job. Nor do you want it to be. A woman who is happy and shows it is highly desirable for a man because at the end of the day, a guy wants to feel good. He wants to be happy, to laugh, to have fun, but more than that, he wants to be content. He wants to be able to sit next to you watching TV, or lay there with you at night, and just be happy. He wants to feel enlivened by your smile, refueled by your belief in him, and at peace in your presence," says House.
7. You are independent.
You’re busy, driven, self-sufficient, and autonomous. You have your own interests. You’re interesting. You’re passionate. You have things going on that contribute to high-quality conversations. You have a life! And you love it.
"You challenge him, but you’re not a challenge. You are your best self, raising the bar and inspiring him to be his best self too. Whether it’s your business that you adore, or you have emotionally and creatively fulfilling hobbies, the point is that you don’t need him. But you want him. You don’t need him to fill a void or make you happy. Translation: You aren’t needy. You’re already a complete and satisfied person without him. Still, you need to show your enthusiasm for him. Be excited to see him. Make him feel good and wanted and desired," says House.
8. You have strength and integrity.
Can you stand tall when he experiences moments of weakness? Or will you wither and collapse without having his strength? Can you take care of business and hold your own if need be? That strength takes some of the pressure off him and allows him to want to be strong for you, as opposed to making him feel like he has to be strong for you.
"More than the ability to take care of business when times get tough. Are you strong in your values and beliefs? Or do you waver, fluctuate, appear wishy-washy or easily influenced? Who are you? What do you believe in? Do you stand by it? Do you have integrity? Or are your words and beliefs worthless? Can he depend on what you say? Do your actions align with your words? A woman who has unshakable beliefs, who shows and tells the same story, is someone who makes a man feel safe. A feeling of safety is one of the most crucial elements when it comes to a man’s ability to trust, let his guard down, and open his heart completely. He knows that he can depend on you for good or for bad, in sickness and in health, weakness, and triumph," says House.
9. You are vulnerable and open.
Showing your fragility, your pain points, your insecurities and even revealing things that you have done that you are not proud of or regret — now that takes strength.
"I’m not talking about being a withering flower, a damsel in distress, or a gaping wound. Being vulnerable is about being real, open and not shut down. Exposing your weaknesses maybe seem to be the opposite of strength, but real strength is shown in your ability to express vulnerability," says House.
10. You are feminine.
Men feel even more masculine when they are with a feminine woman, and that in and of itself turns a man on.
"Femininity is about both appearance and attitude. Being feminine is about embracing your beauty, softness, tenderness, nurturing, sweet side that men just don’t generally have. Be a woman. Be a girly girl. Wear dresses and lipstick and smell good. I’m not suggesting that you submit, succumb, or hand over your power. Who says you can’t be powerful in a dress and stilettos?! Enjoy making yourself look good. You just might notice that you feel good too," says House.
11. You are nurturing.
"You can be vulnerable and show him that you need him, but you also can take care of him. No matter how strong, independent and masculine he is, all men love to be nurtured, taken care of, and even babied at times. Showing him that you can be a nurturer lets him know that he can drop his guard around you and that it’s okay and safe to need you. When a guy exposes weakness and lets you in to see his vulnerable side, that’s where your power lies," says House.
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