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Would you invest in your guy?
By Ossiana Tepfenhart — Last updated on May 08, 2023
Back in the days when I had a job in Midtown, I loved working around New York City.
The biggest perk, aside from the office window views and the inherent glitz that comes with working in New York, had to be the nightlife I could literally enjoy as soon as I stepped out of the office.
As many people can tell you, happy hours in Midtown are filled to the brim with “suits.” For the most part, I don’t really talk to the type of guys who wear business suits, primarily because they seem to be afraid of me and we really have nothing in common.
However, that doesn’t mean I don’t hang out where they do on occasion, and that definitely doesn’t mean I don’t end up chatting with them once in a while. Such was the time when I had a pretty life-changing experience.
One particular night, I was at a bar and was on the verge of tears. It wasn’t even that I was going through anything particularly bad at that moment; I was just bitter about everything that had happened with my dating life. Much like any writer does when they’re stewing in their own misery, I was drinking alone.
Someone noticed my dour expression, and it was a suit. He decided to talk to me.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.
I decided to be honest and said a basic gist of my dating life: “I’ve always been loyal to men, I’ve always been ride or die for them, but when they actually need to commit to me, it’s too much. I’m fed up, and can’t lower my standards anymore from the rock bottom I'm already at. I just want to know why.”
Now, it’s worth noting that I typically expect suits to “Nice Guy” me. In other words, I was basically bracing myself to hear how I was just “choosing the wrong guys” or that I was “just not dressed respectably.” Instead, he studied me for a moment as I sipped my martini.
“So, let me get this straight. You invest a lot into these guys, right?”
“Yep.”
“They reap rewards, right?”
“Yep.”
“They don’t really treat you well, do they?”
“No, they do not. What’s your point?”
“I want to ask you something, as a stockbroker, okay?
What if I were to tell you about a brand-new retirement fund? With this fund, you can pay it as much as you can.
In fact, this fund is really expensive. However, as a stockbroker, I will be very upfront in saying that there are signs that the fund will turn into junk in 2 years. In fact, it’s heading that way and the CEO might have already told you it’ll be junked. Once it’s junked, you will get none of your money back. Would you buy that?”
“Hell no.”
“Then why would you ‘buy’ the male equivalent of that? You look decent enough to get cheap sex, so it’s not that, is it?”
“Well, I was hoping I’d at least be able to get the commitment I wanted...”
“So, you’re telling me that you’d buy that retirement fund, just so you could say you have a retirement fund?”
“No. Oh... That is kind of the same thing, isn’t it?” I asked. He nodded.
He then continued, “You know, the way to a good stock portfolio is to diversify your stocks. You need variety to see how each stock performs. That way, if a fund goes downhill, you have other options you can look into. If you had to pick a top fund, you could do so, by seeing which one would pay you the most dividends.”
“So, maybe my problem isn’t that there’s something wrong with me, per se. It may be how I’m investing in men?” I asked.
“Yep.”
Ever since then, I started to look at my decisions like a stockbroker would.
What is the stockbroker method?
I asked myself “Would I buy this product?” with almost every single relationship I had.
Among friends, I realized I had underinvested in a lot of people, and overinvested in others. I fixed that, and life became better.
I also realized the loyalty that I was always offering may not have been worth it. After all, these men weren’t always on my side, so why should I always be on theirs? Had I gone into the dating world, I would have refused to get serious with anyone sans a wedding ring.
Dating-wise, my portfolio was awful. Any options to buy stock I did have, I turned down. I looked at my dating experiences that day and decided it was just not worth it to keep trying.
Unfortunately, though past performances don’t indicate future earnings, the risk in that market is too high to make it worthwhile.
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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.