For years people thought I was a prude.
Maybe it's because I'm a pretty average-looking nerd.
Maybe it's because my dad is a priest.
Maybe it's because I don't talk about my sex life out loud as much as other people do.
For whatever the reason, as a teenager I developed a reputation as being a total prude.
What people don't know is that some of the biggest seeming prudes in their lives aren't prudes at all.
They're just misinterpreting the information they've been given.
Do your friends think you're a prude when you're really a freak in the sheets? Here are 7 signs you're a total prude — at your friends THINK you are:
1. You are wearing glasses and/or a cardigan.
Take it from me, a non-prude who always wears glasses and has been known to wear a cardigan. (It gets cold, okay!)
Something about this combination of attire makes people think of librarians.
Librarians make people think of uptight biddies with no interest in sex, because people are stupid and have never seen The Music Man.
You KNOW Marion the librarian was up for a bit of the old strange.
2. You don't talk about your sex life.
A lot of people love talking about their sex lives. A lot of people don't.
Not talking about your sex life doesn't mean you're a prude. It just means you aren't talking about your sex life.
You could be getting double penetrated every night of the week.
But the world doesn't know that. People just think you're all closed up down there.
3. You have a "cute" word to say instead of vagina."
A grown-ass woman who knows her body and is comfortable with sex refers to her vagina as a vagina.
You might be grown-ass, sexually confident and mature. But if you're calling your vagina your "hey nonny nonny", people sure as shit don't see you that way.
4. You hate PDA.
When you see two people making out on the subway you wrinkle your nose in disgust.
You know you're doing it because the idea of all the germs they could catch on public transport has made you physically ill.
But everyone else thinks that you're such a prude the idea of two people kissing has made you actively nauseated.
5. You don't own a vibrator.
Every one of your friends owns at least three different vibrators. You don't own one.
Your friends assume this is because you are a prude who is scared of her own orgasms.
But you know it's because you've mastered the two-finger technique and don't need the mechanical help.
6. You're a Type-A personality.
When you're a person who is naturally uptight, obsessed with organization and has no time for nonsense, people tend to assume you lack the ability to get wild in the bedroom.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Little do they know you're no prude at all.
You just save up all your wild abandon and let loose when you're having sex.
7. You hate blowjobs.
People you know start swapping blowjob stories and you immediately cringe.
"Ugh, I hate blowjobs," you say and no one is surprised you'd make such a prudish comment.
But here's the thing, they don't know that you hate blowjobs because you'd rather spend all of your time lick his anus.