Ladies: You do not have to apologize for being a sexual person. It is not a fault.
For hundreds of years, it was assumed women didn't have sex drives or orgasms or even enjoy the act of sex. It was ultimately a male activity that women basically "put up with" to please their husbands. That was the societal narrative at work for a loooong time.
The masses of women who suffered from sexual frustration were simply waved off by psychologists as having a medical condition called hysteria, which consisted of symptoms like irritability and nervous outbursts. Funny enough, the medical treatment for this often involved some kind of genital massage.
Still, no one seemed to put two and two together for quite some time that women actually have their own set of sexual desires and needs.
As it is now, our society has at least recognized the female sex drive but it still pales in comparison to that of the male... or so we’re told. When we grow up as young women, we’re told to beware of boys and men. We're warned early of their insatiable sexuality and told that sex is their constant motivation for nearly everything.
True enough. A guy may initially have sex on the brain when you first meet in a club or even at a coffee shop and begin your flirtatious tango. However, when you get further into the relationship, the infamous male sex drive begins to fall short of the hype. At least, that’s been my experience, and I know enough women who've experienced the same.
I’m a sexual woman. I enjoy having sex. I would do it all the time if I could, even if I’ve been in the same relationship for six months, a year, two years, or longer. My sex drive does not decline as time passes and I've always found myself to be more sexually voracious and adventurous than any guy I’ve dated.
No, I’m not a weird exception to the rule. And no, there's nothing wrong with me, but that’s how it can feel a lot of the time.
When we’re raised to think all guys want from women is sex, being more sexual than your male partner can create a troubling insecurity. Why doesn’t he want me? Why doesn’t he want me as much as I want him? Am I not good enough?
This ends up feeding into insecurities we may already have about our level of attractiveness or our physical bodies.
"I shouldn't have to convince my boyfriend to have sex with me," I told a partner of mine once. "It makes me feel undesirable and unwanted."
"I do desire you," he said. "I do want you. I just don't want to have sex as much as you do."
To me, those two thoughts did not compute. How can you have one desire without the other? It still doesn't make sense to me. Even now when similar issues arise, I default to thinking his resistance is a reflection of my sexual worth as a woman.
But while these fears and questions can be a natural reaction to this problem, they are total bullsh*t. It's a perfect example of how our personal narratives can be twisted and warped by larger social narratives at play.
People still believe men are more sexual than women, and it results in fewer orgasms for us and more emotional frustrations. When you find that self-doubts are taking over because your male partner doesn’t have the same sex drive as you do, kick those doubts straight in the teeth. You do not have to apologize for being a sexual person. It is not a fault.
What you do have to do is figure out a way to take control of your sexual partnership in a way that's beneficial to the both of you. Relationships are — and always will be — about compromise. When it comes to sex, though, even the most generous partners can be pretty selfish.
Make your needs as a woman known. You do not come second. Female sexuality and male sexuality must be given equal attention. That is part of the fight for equality of the sexes. The higher male sex drive is the biggest myth in town, and it’s time we officially debunk it.