If you can't take the heat, don't have sex in the kitchen.
While I write about sex professionally, I'm more likely to be found giving my friends tips on how to make the chewiest chocolate chip cookies than I am to be giving tips to have the best sex of your life.
It has long been my dream that someday I would be able to incorporate these two passions.
We got really close that time I used Sex Dust to make a chocolate-flavored death beverage, but really that was more mixology than anything else.
I planned on making more recipes with the Sex Dust, but my cat Batman had other plans. I had the jar rest on my sink and he decided to knock it over, shattering the glass and sullying the dust.
All my not-sexy baking ends today.
Because now I know how to bake a cake that is scientifically designed to make you want to have HOT sex for hours, and it is delicious. No sex dust required.
Here's how I got there.
So you know how dessert is maybe the best thing that exists? Good. I'm glad we're on the same page. I wanted to find a way to make a dessert that would make me super horny instead of making me want to lie down and regret my life choices.
A little bit of research later, I discovered that making a cake that makes you want sex wouldn't be as hard as I thought.
I assumed chocolate would be the best way to go, but before too long I learned that when it comes to foods that make you want to have sex, nothing packs the same sort of punch as bananas.
(Pause here to acknowledge that yes, this is doubly funny because of how a penis looks like a banana)
According to science, nothing should make a person more horny than a heaping serving of banana.
Whyfore? Because bananas have potassium and Vitamin B up the wazoo! This stuff boosts your energy through the roof. They also contain an enzyme called bromelain, which makes the body super produce testosterone.
And what does testosterone do? It makes you want to have sex.
Banana cake it is!
You can make whatever banana cake recipe you'd like, I made this one from TheKitchn.com because it involves buttercream for days, and if I wound up making it, eating it, and not wanting to go have sex immediately I would at least have lots of cake to console me.
The cake took hours to prepare, but I knew this going in. As I baked, I enjoyed a glass of white wine.
I wanted to create a romantic atmosphere. I would have lit candles but the kitchen was already boiling lava hot and the effect of the flickering flames would have been, I'm sorry to say, in vain.
This cake recipe didn't call for cinnamon, but I decided to add it to the mix because cinnamon is another known aphrodisiac food. Cinnamon naturally heats up your body as it supports your circulation AND it reduces inflammation. Also it is DELICIOUS.
Then I decided what the heck and also added cardamom, another aphrodisiac. The spice of cardamom increases blood flow, crucial when you went to get your body all hot and bothered during sexy times. At this point I was slightly worried I was going herb crazy, so I decided not to improvise anymore.
...Until I read that almonds were an aphrodisiac. In ancient times their scent was used as a sexual attractant! Plus they've got loads of fiber which isn't sexy, but will make pooping easier, and who doesn't want that?
Then I was really done.
By the time the cake was prepared, the last thing I wanted to do was eat or have sex. It was a million degrees in my kitchen and I was covered in sweat and flour. All I wanted was a shower and a non-sexual back rub.
The good thing about cake, though, is that it keeps.
I passed out, unshowered, and the next morning woke up and had a slice of the cake for breakfast. It was delicious! I did not notice any increased sexual desire immediately so I decided to have a second slice of the cake. I had another bite later in the day with my coffee.
That night I met up with my boyfriend and, psychosomatic or not, I felt horny as heck. I was down to clown, as the children say. I was prepared to enjoy in hot sex, as adult say.
But, as I discovered in the midst of my love-making session, a burning desire to have sex doesn't necessarily jive with a belly full of cake.
This was absolutely a user error. One piece would have been fine, but I let my lust for both sex and pastry get in the way and now found myself unable to orgasm with ease because I had a belly replete with cake.
Did the cake work? Yes.
But was it anymore effective than maybe eating a banana and engaging in a lot foreplay? No, I do not think so.