Not everything is always as it appears. Especially boobs.
When I first heard about contouring I paid attention.
After all, the science of contouring made Kim Kardashian look perpetually fabulous, maybe it was worth trying.
It only took me watching one YouTube tutorial to realize that I did not have the time in the day required to fully contour my face before leaving the house, or, you know, sitting down on my couch to start writing.
I thought we'd seen the last of contouring when the internet started screaming at me that "non-touring" is where it was now at, and while I took notice, I did not look further into this new craze.
But when I stumbled across this internet tutorial on how to make your boobs look bigger using contouring, it gave me pause.
The beauty blogger whose boob enhancing contouring video I watched had pretty big boobs to begin with, I wondered what on earth she was hoping to achieve with a strategic placement of makeup.
I watch, horrified and mesmerized and she methodically layered concealer, foundation, and powder over and over (and over and over) her boobs, chest, and neck.
When she was done, her already big boobs seemed to have doubled in size.
Not only that, they looked rounder, firmer, and much more than they did in the before video.
This got me thinking, is this young and nubile young beauty blogger could see such fine results with her own attempts at boob contouring, maybe it was worth giving it a try myself.
I've got big boobs. I would never do anything to make them look bigger (I mean, unless I was trying to dress up as Dolly Parton for Halloween I guess), but I'm in my thirties now and I'm self-conscious about how years of yo-yo dieting and exercise has left my boobs, well, saggy and mostly unremarkable.
I miss my old boobs and I haven't even had kids yet, how bleak is that?
I don't ususally swan about in low-cut tops these days, but on the off day when I do wouldn't it feel nice, I thought, to be confident about how my big boobs looked when I did?
So, I followed Natalie's tutorial and began the process of taking ten years off my tits.
Here's what they looked like before I shamed them with multiple creams, lotions, and potions.
To call this a humiliating process is a major understatement.
As I frantically used a cheap contouring kit I picked up at pharmacy near my house I kept panicking thinking my roomate was going to walk in, see what what I was up to, and immediately have me committed.
Tragically, this did not happen, for it would've made one hell of a story. Instead, I started with the cream based contour as my cat watched on in horror.
I followed the steps to the letter and when I was done I looked like a very chest-muscular sunburnt fat woman with saggy boobs.
If you disagree you do not have eyes.
I will not even get into how much lotion I had to use to get all that makeup off. I will tell you that it left rings of what looked like dirt around my neck. So yeah, that made me feel exceptionally attractive.
Also, something they don't tell you in this video? If you are going to be contouring your boobs you'll need to contouring you entire face or run the risk of looking um, kind of insane.
It's not something I would try every single day of the week, but once in a while for special ocassions? Sure, why not? IF I WANTED TO GO UNDERCOVER AS A CRAZY PERSON.
When you go to remove your makeup it's best to do it in the shower since it's full body. The only negative there is that you'll wind up knowing exactly how Donald Trump feels washing off his spray tan.