32 Things I Never Expected When I Was Expecting
That I would ever wish I could just be a solely stay-at-home mom.
vladaphotowiz / Shutterstock Bringing a child into the world is a joyful and life-changing occasion. Though you've read all there is to know about having a baby, there's no doubt that new moms can never expect these 33 things, especially the twists and turns.
I never expected...
1. That I would definitely love someone more than my dog.
I mean, I kind of guessed, but I definitely didn't KNOW.
2. That I would lose and find, and lose and find, and lose then find my voice again.
3. That my eyesight would go from 20/20 vision, to glasses all day, then contacts full-time within a matter of months.
4. That breastfeeding (which I imagined would be effortless) would wind up meaning 10 months of agony (pumping), pain (pumping), and emotional heartache as I tried my best to nurse my son who had been kept away from my breast for his first week in a NICU.
5. That I would become a less judgmental person and that I was suddenly aware of my own previous judgments.
I remember seeing women bottle-feed before I ever became a mother, thinking, "Why aren't they breastfeeding?!" before I ever once experienced a babe on mine.
6. That my heart would grow to cosmic proportions.
7. That after years and years of self-restricted eating, I would ever crave, let alone eat, cheese or pizza or ice cream again.
8. That it would be so difficult to lose that weight, because of stress, and lack of support, and lack of sleep in my life.
9. That I would ever wish I could just be a solely stay-at-home mom.
10. That I would envy those who had the privilege to just be with their babies all the time.
11. That milk would fall from my breasts when the shower faucet poured down on me, even after we stopped nursing.
And the pain that would coincide with me recognizing that was over. And then the relief.
12. That I would always want to co-sleep.
That every night I would want my babe to fall asleep in my arms and to wake up in them, and I would apparently still feel this way 4 years later.
13. That I could have entire days with just myself and the baby and feel utterly alone.
14. That my partner and I would fight.
15. That I would ever spend an entire day crying.
16. That I would fantasize about family gatherings, campings and Christmas mornings that would never end up happening.
17. That I would ever have to walk past a group of old white men holding signs yelling at me to walk a different path, begging me to question my selfishness while my partner barked at them to f*ck off, imploring me to question what is selfish and what is selfless.
18. That I would ever get an abortion.
As a mother. After moon-filled evenings coming up with beautiful names for a second child....
19. That I would sit in a lobby and stare at a screen playing 50 First Dates over and over, while waiting for a pill to take before I could go back in for a suction machine to clean my uterus empty.
20. That I would never regret that most tragic morning of my life.
21. That I would ever keep it a secret.
22. That I would ever feel like my life was slipping away and turning into a Lifetime movie.
23. That "babe" and "love" would one morning turn into "b*tch."
24. That I would ever be strong enough to leave.
25. That I would ever be a single mom.
26. That I would ever find my inner courage and warrior reflected through the eyes of my son.
27. That I would ever be a single mom.
28. That self-realization would come closer every day and with every act of self-care.
29. That my empathy had no container.
30. That my love expanded beyond the limits of my own imagination.
31. That I was a creator.
32. That I am a mom.
Danielle Marie Holland is a mother, creator, collaborator, and yogi currently residing in the PNW. You can follow her adventures on Instagram.