Just like Nick Jonas...
I remember being in the 6th grade and hearing a group of boys talk about NARB’s (yes, this is the exact term they would use) —and of course was too shy to ask what that was.
“Sounds more like a violent boy video game I wouldn’t enjoy anyway,” my 11 year-old self thought.
Turns out all these guys were going through puberty and experiencing boners during the most unexpected times — like in that very moment in that very classroom we were all sitting, or during football practices. I even remember overhearing one of the guys talk about how embarrassing dinner had become the night before due to, well, an erection…
And for those thinking that NARB’s are over once you’re over puberty, you’re wrong — men continue to suffer NARB’s well into adulthood.
In an episode of Jimmy Fallon, Jonas shares his most embarrassing no-apparent-reason-boner story—and as you can imagine, it’s pretty darn entertaining.
Being a woman and not having to go through any of this, I find it all so strangely amusing!
So amusing, I reached out to several men and asked them to share their adulthood no-apparent-reason-boner stories, what it was like and what they did.
Here are a few of the stories:
1. NARB’s… an erection for no fucking reason and the worst times. It was a halfie at work ... I can’t even tell you what I was thinking about. It just happened. It didn't take much work to hide... I just kind of shifted it to the side along my leg (rather than down the middle where it usually rests) —Joel, 26
2. It gets annoying. I was on a plane and i had to stealthily waistband it! So embarrassing. —Levi, 18
3. I was sitting on the toilet doing my business when I got a NARB shortly after relieving myself. My wife then opens the door to the bathroom to come brush her teeth only to find me naked, sitting on the toilet, fully erect. She said "What the hell is going on?" I gave her the only response I could think of... "You want in on this or do you want me to finish it myself?" She declined. —Robert, 30
4. Throughout puberty, NARBs show up all the time on a daily basis. At 26, after a decade of sexual activity, I only get boners when I try to (basically for sex or occasional masturbation). Whether it be strengthened control, lowered hormones, or simply less interest, NARBs actually make less sense now, thus we start our story.
There is an older lady at my gym who I have had a crush on for months. I know... getting a boner from watching a cougar working out is not necessarily random, but it's the way it happened that is so unexplainable. I don't watch her work out, because I know that's wrong. We small talk and I know she is divorced, but I am respectful and have never tried to invite her out on a date. I admit she has popped into my head before during masturbation, but I have never had reason to "stiffen" in her presence until last week.
She had asked me to spot her on bench press (not even a remotely sexual movement). Looking down at her she was sweaty and disheveled. She had body odor but it wasn't bad. People automatically assume body odor is gross but it sometimes gets associated with sex in my head. What really got me was her grunting as she struggled with the weight. The grunts were clearly different than any sort of sexual moaning, but all the factors together was enough to stimulate a strong feeling of desire in me. Then I found myself stuffing my boner into my waistband, just like the good old days.
Telling this story, I realize that this was not a true NARB, for its happening to me again right now. I think NARBs exist out of hormonal confusion. Nothing makes sense before experience, but desire drives us long before we actually start gaining any. I think NARBs only occur now when there is an underlying subconscious cause such as unfinished recent sex, sexual conversation, or anything else that drives our desire. —Ben, 26
5. The plane for me was the absolute most embarrassing time. I’m 27 now and was 19 at the time. I honestly thought all this would be over by the time I was 15. We all have fantasies and being on a plane has always been mine but I never expected it to reach this point.
I was sitting between two people (one of which happened to be my mom) and ended up having to place a blanket over my legs and placed my backpack on one of the sides. I closed my eyes and tried to think of my destination. The thing is, I wasn’t even thinking of having sex or being involved with the flight attended or any of that in any way. It really just happened and I had absolutely no control. I couldn’t even tell you how long it lasted but it felt like a lifetime. —Brandon, 27
6. I’ll admit it, I’m an adult and still get NARB’s. I think I get them more than most older men, which is why I’m not as embarrassed, but it still sucks. I live in Miami and we don’t see many blondes down here, which are my type of women. So when I do see a very attractive blonde no matter where I am, I’m sure to get a NARB even if it’s a small one… it happens.
I normally try to sit with a table in front of me until it goes away. It’s hard because when it happens you’re not paying attention to what you’re thinking about and it happens then you want to keep thinking about it but have to force yourself to think of anything else! —Cam, 25
7. Two years ago I was at my brothers graduation lunch and I remember getting a boner. It felt like I was a kid again experiencing this for the first time. To this day I will tell you there was no reason for me to have gotten one. I really don’t know what it was but it was there.
It was humiliating because a cousin of mine pointed it out in front of our group of cousins. We’re all adults so I was getting picked on for not knowing how to control myself. I think about it from time to time to try and figure out wtf made that happen and still don’t know. —Adam, 26
8. Being 26 and still getting NARBs is pretty fucking awful, especially when you’re at the hospital. I kid you not. I broke my arm last year and ended up in the hospital for 2 days, my doctor was not attractive, nor were any of the nurses and I ended up with a boner. I think people think I’m lying when I tell them this story but I’m 100% not.. It was humiliating.
The nurse ended up coming in and saw I was frantic trying to stop what was happening, she obviously knew… I had to ask her for a couple minutes alone and got to work trying to stop this. I didn’t even want to masturbate I just wanted it to go down. I ended up watching a youtube video on cars... so humiliating. —Jake, 27
I’m by all means no erection expert, but my advice to all these men is to remember we’re all human, it’s natural! Make a joke out of it, get a good laugh! You WILL survive the NARB. Just like Nick Jonas did.