Have Sex With Me Like A Person

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Self, Sex

The patriarchy has no place in my vagina.

One of the most surprising things to me as I began exploring non-monogamy last year (particularly the swinger lifestyle) was the amount of rampant sexism flowing through that community.

I’d expected that a group that had bravely shrugged off the societal rule that marriage should always equal monogamy would be far less likely to embrace sexist gender roles that have been shoved down women's throats at every turn since, well, forever.

I know. Feminism. Such a fun topic.

Believe me, I feel like a killjoy discussing this rather than my umpteenth threesome this month, or the hot young man who nailed me through the mattress earlier today. 

I wish sexism was so non-existent that I wouldn’t even have to bring it up.

But other than the great effort the entire crew at Life on the Swingset make in pursuit of encouraging more progressive attitudes, misogyny remains unfortunately pervasive in "Swingtown."

Here are three of the most obvious examples of sexism I have observed within my sex-positive community:

1. The theme nights at my local club (such as "Bunnies and Millionaires").

I get it. The bunny ears and little outfit with fishnets is cute & hot. But the whole power imbalance between men and women as the default in these themes is both frustrating and revolting.

I’m all for a lovely negotiated consensual power exchange in playtime — with nicknames, infantilism, roleplay ... whatever two or more consenting adults want to do.

But with a "Bunnies & Millionaires" theme, we’re harkening back to a time that Playboy bunnies had to endure regular measurements and weigh-ins, which would result in their being fired if they didn’t stay within those strict guidelines — just to please the rich white men attending the Playboy club. 

Sickening! And decidely NOT sexy!

Side-note: If you're feeling even slightly foggy on the whole consent thing, you MUST watch this video — STAT.

2. The use of the word "girl" instead of "woman," without the corresponding use of "boy" in place of "man."

Again, it’s cute, and when a certain someone calls me a "sexy girl," I feel all fluttery — and also incredibly conflicted, because it’s a throwback to a time when women weren’t considered to be true adults in the way men were.

Back then, women couldn’t make medical decisions for themselves such as getting their tubes tied without their husband’s permission.

My mother-in-law (a grown-ass woman) couldn’t get a car loan at one point, despite having a job that would easily pay for it, without her father as co-signer, simply because she didn’t have a husband.

The weight of that historic oppression smothers the cuteness related to the word "girl." 

So when I see a display reading "Girls Only Orgy" with the tag-line "Guys Welcome To Watch," I just can’t bring myself to participate (as much as I’d loved to be involved in that wonderfully writhing pile of women).

3. When men in the Swinger Lifestyle ask permission of other men to do things to their wives/partners, rather than asking the women for their consent directly.

It's as if the women don’t have the agency to speak for themselves.

This is a holdover from monogamy, arising from a fear that the partnered male might get violent when another guy approaches his woman.

This is 100% related to the fact that women were once property and men will violently defend their ownership of said property.

Any guy who has pulled that "I was just being courteous" crap with my own husband and I has been shut down immediately. By me.

The patriarchy has no place in my vagina.

It may seem to you like I’m overreacting. If these examples were singular, I might agree. But they aren't, and I'm not.

These types of occurrences are so omnipresent that we don’t even notice them in most places anymore.

Every "Treat her like a princess/Fuck her like a whore" meme just reinforces the desperate need I feel to "overreact" until the new normal for memes finally reads:

"Treat her like a person/Fuck her like a person."

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.


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