What It's Like Getting A Blow Job From A Robot (Yes, Really)

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Come again...?

A while back I tried out a masturbation machine called the Realtouch, and was rather astonished to find it to be a pretty damned good product among the variety of male-specific sex toys out there.

Sure it was oversized, connected by large cables, heavy, and noisy — but it got me to orgasm quickly and impressively. I was able to overlook much of its poor design and aesthetic issues because, frankly, it worked like GANGBUSTERS.

The fatal flaw I simply couldn't overlook was its lack of a manual mode, which meant I had to stay tethered to my computer watching the series of bad 90s porn videos that sync with it.

A device like this has the potential to become know as the Magic Wand Original vibrator for penis-havers. (I realize the argument can certainly be made that the Magic Wand is indeed also for penis-havers, but I’m just gonna pass that discussion by.)

The way I see it, there’s very little anyone can do to improve upon the sex toys we're born with: Mr. Righty and Mr. Leftorium.

That uphill struggle is what causes every “new and different” male masturbation product to fail at living up to their so-called revolutionary expectations. In my estimation, there are very few revolutionaries out there.

The Autoblow 2 however, calls it like it is: "The crowd-funded blowjob robot everyone is talking about."

Sidenote: My friend Lulu Darling quizzically pointed out the aforementioned quote to me when I told her I had just received my device.

"Everyone is talking about it?

Well, we ARE talking about it," was my response. So there.

The Autoblow 2 was FAR more appealing than the Realtouch right off the bat because it is smaller, less encumbered by wires, and, most blessedly, doesn't require crappy porn or specific rhythms be used in tandem.

And, seriously, who doesn’t want to give a "blowjob robot" a try?

(Okay, so a bunch of people don’t. But I do.)

I received the regular size unit — it comes in large, small, and just right (I mean, regular. Whatever.) — and an extra sleeve.

I liked that, unlike the Fleshlight and most toys of its kind, it isn't shaped as a long sleeve that opens at both ends. Instead, there is a long soft closed tube below which allows it to be easily turned inside-out to be cleaned THOROUGHLY instead of only being able to run water through it.

The chamber definitely looks frightening inside without the mouth-tube sleeve. But then the Terminator also looked quite frightening when its oh-so-comforting skin was removed to reveal the horrors of its robot skeleton.

Inside the chamber are some springs, some beads-cum-rollers and lots of empty space. On the bottom, an inset dial for speed. Also, a VERY (and happily) long power cable.

The Realtouch used a conveyor belt-type friction method that worked really well to get me off, whereas the constant pulling motion from the robot felt a little less, uh, solid in its technique.

The sleeve of my robot-friend was super cyber-skinny, which I happen to like it, but if you (or your man) doesn’t like that sort of thing, this won't be a match.  

It took me a while to find the proper angle, as the squeeze and motion inside is sort of uniform all the way around. I had to rotate the device and try lots of different angles before I got it to hit my perfect spot.

Of course, playing with the speed dial was fun because I got to dial things in to exactly the level of … well … yanking I was interested in.

This is brute force masturbation, make no bones about it.

The head of my penis felt a little (ahem) manhandled by the end of it, too. But it worked, and fairly quickly once I found the perfect angle.

Many of my prior experiences with male masturbation products left me feeling the need to finally stop and take myself to the finish line by hand, so the very fact that this robot got me there before I got bored was a HUGE accomplishment.

And I don’t want to downplay that this is almost a hands free blowjob/handjob device, which I suppose is the holy grail for male masturbation devices.

I say almost because it would be pretty difficult to use without holding onto it.

Though I guess you could do the whole trapping it under a pillow while you lie on top of it thing. I didn’t do that. Not that I have experience with such things. I’m NOT being defensive.

This robot does a lot well, and is both user controllable and user adjustable. Its price point is on the higher end — without a doubt Mr. Leftorium (I prefer him to Mr. Righty) will always be more affordable, but at least it doesn’t look creepy in my apartment.

But — and let me be clear on this — it’s really not a robot. It’s a machine.

You’re not masturbating with the Autoblow 2. You’re fucking a machine.

And that’s pretty cool when you think about it ... Asimov would be impressed.

LISTEN NOW: Cooper and the gang are joined by his old friend Sophie Delancey from The Art of Blowjob — and the brand new Art of Cunnilingus — to talk about art, educational porn, and oral sex!

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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