As written by a guy.
I’d like to say we can. I’d like to say with certainty, absolutely.
But I can’t.
I’m sitting here racking my brain trying to think of an instance where I would turn down the advances of my wife, and I’m coming up empty. Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe there is a fine group of men who have mustered up the intestinal fortitude over the years to just say no. Men who share a kinship with the Tibetan monks and their ability to find peace within themselves and turn down the goddesses in our lives.
I’m sure they have their reasons, whether it principle, pettiness, pride or prejudice. I am not one of them.
There are five things, however, that make me really consider (possibly) saying no.
Hopefully, if women read this and take it to heart, we can end putting myself and others of my ilk through such a tormented quandary.
1. You're trying to chit-chat during foreplay.
Look, the art of foreplay is a dance. A physical, emotional and spiritual tete-a-tete that can inspire and ignite. The last thing men want to do during this very sensitive time is discuss the chores he has to do after you finish your final act.
And please god, don’t talk about the kids, your parents, or anyone else.
No man wants to think about your father as we inch closer and closer to ultimate intimacy. You know what we’re thinking about? How can I please my wife, and maybe get some pleasure as well — that’s it. Because I love her.
We get it, your brain is moving at a pace most of us men will never understand, but for those 30 seconds to 30 minutes between the sheets, how about a moratorium on conversations on daily life. Maybe even dirty talk?
Oh well, I tried.
Once you reach satiation, then said moratorium may cease and we can get on with the daily grind.
2. You’re talking about your ex.
I get it, we all have former partners. I’ve never been jealous of my wife’s former lovers. Who am I to judge her past?
Still, there’s not one man on this planet who wants to hear about that other man. Not one.
If they say otherwise, they are lying. No one wants to have a heart-to-heart and talk about the man she loved (or slept with) before you married her. It’s a deflator.
Like your testosterone is a whoopee cushion and you wife just sat on it.
If you must talk about your ex, never do it when nakedness is in the forecast.
3. You seem more interested in sleeping than having actual sex.
If you’ve given the green light (and your husband actually recognized the sign) and it’s about to go down, do not stop in the middle and say I’m too tired. You both decided to play the game, you can’t quit at halftime.
I mean, of course you can always say no to sex. That should be obvious to anybody with half a brain (or conscience). Maybe first, however, recognize that your exhaustion light is blinking and hold off on starting your engines. Maybe even make the decision to get an early rise - and an early rise out of your guy. That’s a good morning.
4. You’re drunk, I’m sober, and you're putting on the “moves”.
There’s definitely something to be said for both of you having a drink and letting inhibition and passion run free. It’s another thing entirely to be out on a girl’s night or book club and come home and want to have sex.
Deep down, each man has a little tiny lamp inside of us that is our integrity. And when you are drunk, that light shines the brightest. Call it immature, but it harkens back to college, and the fact that nobody one wants to take advantage of the drunk girl.
So understand why we may be resistant (or give us a second to down the vodka in the fridge). Just don’t fall asleep before you sober up.
5. I missed your way-too-subtle signals.
When it comes to cues, us men can decipher the most intricate signals when it comes to things like traffic, baseball or electrical engineering.
When it comes to the beautiful subtleties of the female signal that she wants to have sex? That's like two planes crossing the sky in the dark of night to us.
If we had any idea you were throwing down the sex signal to us, it would not matter where we were or what we were doing. If that signal computed, we would be clothes-off and in bed faster than a chicken on a junebug.
So if we do miss your signal, please, please, do not tell us we missed your signal after the moment has passed.
If you do that, if you tell us that you were in the mood only after you're no longer in the mood, every single moment of your life will now be dissected like the Zapruder film. That time you decided to make us both a smoothie in the kitchen, we're going to think that was a sign and go to hug you with the hopes of ramping it up ... only to realize that was the wrong decision.
Telling us you were in the mood but that we missed the signal is also going to make us salty as hell.
And maybe, just maybe, not want to have sex with you in the future.