If we care about you, you're going to be immortalized in print.
So, you're dating a writer. We don't know whether or not to congratulate you and give you a hug, or to hand you a bottle of whiskey and a straw along with the card of a great therapist. Chances are, if you have been dating said writer for more than two weeks, you completely understand that opening line.
Here's what you need to know:
1. Your abbreviated and misspelled texts can make us homicidal.
We know you're busy and don't have much time, but when you misplace "then" for "than," and don't put the "Yo" before "U," we want to grab you by the eyelashes and hurt your eyes the way you're hurting ours.
2. Just because we're out on a date with you doesn't mean we're researching.
We know you're so interesting that the whole world should read about you, but contrary to popular belief, not everyone who writes and dates blogs about it. We aren't trying to be Carrie Bradshaw.
3. But, If we care about you, you're going to be immortalized in print.
That article that has made you nervous? It's not about you. OK, maybe a little, but you can't prove it.
4. That whole "pen is mightier than the sword" thing gives us balls of steel.
There's truth in the idea that hell hath no fury like a writer scorned. Just ask every ex-boyfriend we've ever had.
5. Size does matter and we like it big, full and long.
We are, of course, referencing your vocabulary which, if used correctly, can seduce us in ways that are too erotic to print here.
6. We know you have "a lot of good stories" and have "always wanted to write a book."
We're so happy for you, but we don't want to help you write it.
7. We exist on a roller coaster of emotion.
Most of us are in a constant cycle of obsessive typing, procrastination and meltdowns stemming from the fear that we've lost our ability to write forever and it's all over for us.
8. We secretly dream of being as good as (insert great writer here), but know we will always fall short.
We take "hard on yourself" to depths no healthy person can understand. It's for this reason that nothing we write will ever be good enough and your compliments will always be met with some kind of deflection. The "tortured" writer thing isn't an act, it's what makes us writers.
9. If we show you our writing, we pretty much love you.
Hi, here's our soul. Feel free to rip it to shreds and leave the very essence of our being bleeding on the floor.
10. You might notice a few alcohol bottles around the house.
That's right, we're just one big typing, swishing, procrastinating cliché.
11. When we're on deadline, you don't exist.
No one exists. The only reason the shower exists is because we read that taking one makes us more creative.
12. We're massive hypocrites.
Interrupt us when we're writing and you'll be met with a death stare. But if we need to run a line by you, you could be in the middle of an operation and we will expect you to pay attention.
13. We're always up for an experience.
Whether it's absinthe in Paris or popping into an art museum showcasing the lost works of Mapplethorpe, your writer friends are always in ... unless they're on deadline.
14. We know you've Googled us.
We appreciate your fake "interested" look as we tell you all the things that have been logged in global search engines, but we know you know and are just being polite. Well done.
15. We take "literary porn" to a whole new level.
Who needs RedTube when you have Edmond Dantès to think about? Oooh, Count...
16. We can't make a long story short.
We will make it longer. Much longer. Why would we want a short story? Where are the details? Why are you rushing us? Don't you care?
17. We take words very seriously.
The way you honor your word. The words in the song you send us. The words you use to describe yourself. The words in the texts you use. Constant computing over here.
18. When you point out a grammatical error in our texts or emails, we die a little inside.
19. There are movies we will flat-out refuse to watch with you.
20. When people ask us "What do you write?" after we tell them what we do...
...we push down the urge to scream "WORDS, motherf*cker!" right into their face.
Brenda Della Casa is the Author of Cinderella Was a Liar, The Editor-in-chief and Digital Content Strategist at Preston Bailey Designs and a Huffington Post Blogger. She regularly speaks on the topic of Digital Content, Social Media and Digital Strategy. Facebook: BrendaDellaCasa, Twitter: @BrendaDellaCasa, Instagram: @BrendaDellaCasa.