The Hotter The Dude, The Bigger The Assh*le: A Matrix For All Women

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Men can be crazy — but only if their abs are made of chocolate and orgasms.

Men love to call women crazy. It's a lot easier than saying, "This vagina with boobs attached has feelings that I don't understand and that frightens me." At this point, a guy calling me crazy hurts me about as much as squeezing out a blackhead from my nose, minus the extreme satisfaction that activity illicits.

But that doesn't make it OK. We've got a woman running for president — that's huge! But we've also got guys like this gun-totting, khaki-wearing, 47-year-old smarmy chode sharing videos about something he calls the "Hot/Crazy Matrix."

That's right, as Hillary Clinton fields questions about Benghazi, some ass-wipe in a starched button down (we will call him Stu) has made it his mission to explain to young men the world over that it's OK to f*ck a totally crazy woman provided that she's extremely hot.


​I watched this video once in stunned silence. Then I watched it again just quietly saying, "I can't even" over and over again. Then I considered going all GIF Panda on my own computer, but that seemed foolhardy. Then, after roughly half a martini, I decided to let this whole deal go. Then I finished the martini and was all "Fuck that!"

To that end, I've created the "Dick/Hot Matrix." Because men are simple creatures, easily quantifiable and worthy of our condescension. 

Pretty hard to argue with science, am I right ladies? Please feel free to share this chart. Also, I'm available for all your chart-making needs. You can compensate me in martinis. Now I need to go lay down.

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