Time to admit it.
There's a lot of information about men using women for sex, as if men are the only ones with sexual needs. But men aren't the only ones who use someone for sex — women do it, too. Sometimes we aren't even conscious that we're doing it, or we lie to ourselves that we want a relationship with the person.
In a piece on The Elephant Journal, writer and astrologer Larry Schwimmer explores how to know if someone is using you, if you're using them, and how you need to confront your motivations for your sexual behavior.
It's OK to just want to have sex for the sake of sex as long as you're honest about your intentions. We might consciously want to change and want something more substantial, but our unconsciously motivated actions end up subverting us and things don't work out as we intend. Being sexual is great as long as it isn't sabotaging your relationships.
Ask yourself these 10 questions to determine if you're using someone for sex.
- Are you always trying in seduction mode? You can't help it if you're really good at flirting.
- Do you only contact them at night? You're booked solid during the day.
- Do you get frustrated when you invite a guy over to Netflix and chill, and he actually wants to watch something on Netflix? What is this, 2013?
- Do you want to get right to the sex? You can barely stifle your yawn when he starts talking about his work or what his goals are for the next year. Seriously, could you just shut up and touch me?
- Would you be interested in meeting his friends or family? If your gut response is "Hell no!" then it's just sex.
- Do you pray he won't want to spend the night? You sleep better alone and you have a busy day tomorrow.
- Do you make sure to never mistakenly leave something at his place? You don't need an excuse to see him again; if you want to, you'll just text him.
- Can you go more than three dates without having sex? There's really no point in waiting.
- Do you feel you can't confide in him about anything emotional? You've got your girlfriends and family to share these things with, not some hookup.
- Do you secretly fear that mind-blowing sex is the only way to get someone to love you? You have a lot of confidence in your looks and ability to sex it up, but not so much in the real you.
If you're getting what you need from someone and they're on the same page, that's great. But you need to be clear what it is that you're after, because nobody enjoys being used if that's not what they want, too.