From weight loss to dating, self-delusion doesn't end in our 30s.
Congrats, you did it! In the Middle Ages you'd be beyond middle-aged. You'd be viewed as untrustworthy by members of the 60s free speech movement. In the fictional 23rd century of Logan's Run, you'd be dead. Luckily, you're in the sweet spot for life as an American adult — too old to play running back in the NFL and too young to have back problems.
Great work. But it hasn't been all dinner parties and in-depth conversations. You're a work in progress, slightly more aware of your shortcomings than you were in your twenties and slightly more able to do something about them than you will be in your forties.
However, self-deception is a life-long problem and here are the 33 biggest lies you'll tell yourself through your third decade of life:
1. "I will be nicer to people who have sh*ttier jobs than me."
Nope. You're going to tolerate meter maids, DMV workers and the airline ticket agents.
2. "By 40, I will have all the money I need and be young enough to enjoy it."
Eesh. If you plan on getting a better job, not having kids and driving the same sh*tbox you've had since grad school, sure you will, bud. Sure you will.
3. "The right person will probably just find me."
It's possible you could trip over your headphones and land in the lap of the person of your dreams, but more than likely that person will think you're a klutz for falling on him.
4. "I'm better at sex than I was in my 20s."
Good news! You know what stuff you like and are only a little afraid to ask for it. Bad news! You're painfully out of shape and have become in bed what experts would call "selfish."
5. "It's my parents' fault."
6. "I'll quit drinking next year."
The hangovers are pretty rough, but a quiet Friday night playing sober Boggle sounds awful.
7. "I'm moving to California!"
Ignore this if you're already a California resident, but the rest of you haven't experienced the traffic, cost of living and kind of person who takes credit for the landscape of the place they live in.
8. "I don't make the same relationship mistakes."
No? You don't date people who are remarkably similar in personality to one another and really remind everyone of one of your parents?
9. "I'm going to quit carbs."
And every Instagram post won't be a photo of some pastry with the caption "Want this!!!! #Nomnomnom"?
10. "I'm learning how to paint/speak Spanish/play guitar, etc."
Listen. We all want to be able to sit down at the piano on our 40th birthday and crank out something other than "Chopsticks," and we're all pretty disappointed when it doesn't happen.
11. "I can fix my credit, no problem."
Like spend substantially less money, pay off your debt, eat mac and cheese six nights a week despite living in a 3,100 square foot home, and start using mayo when you grew up on Miracle Whip? Great.
12. "I should start a garden."
Your green thumb killed that pot plant you tried to grow in your dorm, and judging by your bathtub all you've really excelled at growing is mold.
13. "I don't really watch TV."
You almost had me there. But Hulu on your iPad is still TV. So is HBO, despite their advertising to the contrary.
14. "I will never let this much time go by before I see you again."
While it's commendable that you want to see old friends more often, if you have a formula for making yourself AND your old college roommate less busy at the exact same time, please share it.
15. "I will write a journal that will become a blog that will become a book that will become a movie."
16. "I'm done looking at my phone during dinner."
But how are you going to prove that you're right about something unimportant, take a photo of dinner, or text Steve about after-dinner plans?
17. "I really love live music."
Evidently, you also love seeing teenagers banging behind a porta-potty, feeling like you were robbed at gunpoint by Ticket Master's inconvenience fee, and paying $10 for a warm cup of Coors Light.
18. "I'm training for a marathon."
Between the cramping, the aggressive lifestyle change and loss of toenails, you're going to be VERY fun to be around. But you will be able to tell some people you did something Oprah did.
19. "I'm well-informed. I don't want to just believe what the [left/right] wing media tells me."
So it's a coincidence that opinions on Syria is word-for-word identical to Morley Safer's?
20. "I think I'll age gracefully."
I'll just put this coupon for Botox in the safe deposit box for now.
21. "I'm so organized now!"
And how many times have you been late to work this week? And why did you drop off your tax returns at 11:59PM for the 16th year in a row?
22. "I'm cooking every meal at home."
For some people, eating out less is a good thing; for others, it's a sign of selfishness. You made it almost a week without using Seamless. Congrats!
23. "I can't remember the last time I had McDonalds."
Really? Because eating breakfast there still counts.
24. "I'm never swearing again."
Not even when the Bengals lose, your friend's kid spills ketchup on your couch, and you drop a kettle bell on your big toe all in the same second? Hope you're ready for beatification.
25. "I'm not a bully; I'm assertive."
26. "I hardly ever go on Facebook."
That's weird, because you seem to know when everyone is on vacation, having a birthday or is unhappy with a thing Donald Trump did/said/seemed to have thought.
27. "I'm going to start getting up earlier and get stuff done on the weekends."
You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get that kind of ridiculous lie by me.
28. "I'd never have sex with an ex or cheat on my partner."
Wow. You're like Gandhi, but better.
29. "I don't binge-shop as a way to cope with stress."
Don't tell me, you just bought your fifth pair of black leather ankle boots.
30. "If my partner and I ever DO change, it will be exclusively in complementary ways."
Aw jeez, it's like you're not even trying now.