In vino veritas.
That was one of the first phrases I ever learned when I took Latin in high school. It means: "In wine, there is truth." Basically, the ancient Romans had the same problems we have today; we just call it by a different name: drunk texting.
Aside from endless embarrassments that modern technology has forced upon us when we've had a little too much, there might be other truths in what that glass of spoiled grape juice is revealing about you, like your personality.
As a warning, I'm not a sommelier. If you don't know what that is or even how to pronounce the word, check out the documentary Somm on Netflix. Obviously you can Google it as well, but you'll get a better understanding from the flick. Regardless, here's what your favorite wine says about you:
1. Cabernet Sauvignon
It's the king of the reds; thus, you're royalty. However, you can be an assh*le. I'm sorry. I'm only saying this because this is my wine of choice (and I'm an assh*le.) But you're that good kind of assh*ole, not the crappy kind.
You don't care what's trendy or hip; you know what you like and you're not intimidated by the opinions and influences of others. You can be stubborn at times, but people know where you stand. And because you've got a firm grip, people aren't afraid to lean on you for trusted help, advice and support.
Cabernets come from all over the world. It's a diverse varietal that isn't too difficult to cultivate and sustain. Men tend to favor this type over women. It's generally a bit more bitter and drier than all the other reds, so it's no coincidence the same can be said about you.
2. White Zinfandel
So you don't really drink wine, do you? White Zinfandel (it's not a true white wine and can more aptly be described as blush) is that watered down version of its red-necked cousin, Red Zinfandel. You moved on past rum and cokes, or vodka and cranberries, and you're too conscious of the sugar content in a margarita. You want to do something different at the bar, but you're not brave enough to cross the line.
You're cute — I'll give you that. But you haven't grown yet. You're still too worried about liking what you taste, rather than learning what to like. The most important (and awesome) thing about you is that you're open-minded. You're willing to listen and try new things. You don't want to cause static, and you want people to like you (and people want to like you, too). Carry on. Just don't be afraid to take a chance.
You refuse to drink Cabernet. If wine were Shakespeare, Cabernet would be the Montagues and Merlot would be the Capulets. Merlots tend to be creamier or softer than Cabs and is that other red varietal. Merlots aren't as audacious and avoid confrontation, like you.
Generally, you're content with being out of the spotlight, the limelight, but not the drunklight. You're good with you.
4. Champagne/Sparkling Wines
Champagne is basically carbonated white wine. It technically can only be called "champagne" if grown and made in the Champagne region of France, so if made in the same style anywhere else it'll be referred to as a sparkling white. And congratulations, you've graduated past White Zinfandel!
There are two types of people who drink champagne: those who are all about living life in the fast lane, or those who consider themselves a little bit above everyone else. The difference lies in when and how you drink it — either every day is a party, or every day is a celebration. Either way, you tend to prefer the finer things in life: nice clothes, expensive food, stylish hair, pretty nails, and fancy purses.
However, make sure you stay away from the cheap stuff, unless you enjoy bad (and I mean bad) hangovers.
Chardonnay is the Cabernet of the Whites. It's not as dry as Pinot Grigio, and the color is a bit more contrasting. You're not as flashy as the rest of the trendy Whites, and you're a bit more traditional when it comes to your tastes. You're older, a bit more seasoned, and those Zinfandel days are behind you.
You go well with most things and there's a slight level of sophistication (not pretension) to you. You can be a little too conservative at times, but sometimes discretion is a good thing.
6. Malbec / Shiraz / Red Zinfandel
These are, collectively, the trending red wines over the past ten years. And that's why you drink them. You're conscious of the times and what's going on. You want to be contemporary and like to keep up with what's en vogue.
7. Petite Sirah
I don't have time for your pretentious bullsh*t.
8. Boxed Wine
Good God, get a hold of yourself! Boxed wine is just atrocious. It's the McDonald's of wine, pre-"pink slime" debacle. You never developed a taste for cheap beer, but you still need to get your drunk done and on a budget. Either you're a broke college student, or you f*cked up somewhere in life.
On the plus side, you have no shame. None. None whatsoever. You couldn't give a damn what others think of you. And those friends you have, drinking that fancy expensive stuff, are jealous of you for that. They wish they could be as humble as you. You are what you are and you don't need to pretend to be anything different.
Riesling is my second favorite wine type. I know, it's completely different than Cabernet. I think it's because I love spicy food and Riesling pairs well with a little kick, like Thai cuisine or a ninja midget. Traditionally German, Riesling are sweet and vary in dryness; if this is your wine choice, then chances are you've got a sweet side as well.
You're probably not much of a fan of bitter tastes, in food or in life. You broke up with Zinfandel, and haven't looked back. Subtle and soft, you're reserved in personality.
OK, we get it. You're Italian.
11. Pinot Noir
It means "black pine," referring to the shape in which the grape clusters grow, which is a shape resembling a pine cone. You've also seen the movie Sideways. They say if you want to start drinking red wine, this is the way to go. Pinots aren't as full-body as the rest of the reds, and this was the "it" red wine prior to Shiraz, which eventually gave way to Malbec.
If you're a Pinot drinker, you value the opinion of others. Like the actual grape used to harvest the wine, you might be a bit stubborn. Pinot Noirs are difficult to manufacture because they're grown from grapes with thick skins. So I can safely assume you'll take this article with a grain of salt.
12. Cheap Champagne
Ugh. Brunch much? This atrocity is what's in your endless mimosas. I'm sorry, were you under the impression the bar was mixing Crystale with your OJ? Spoiler alert: they most certainly are not!
Let me paint you a picture: three or four glasses go down quickly, the music is pumping, everybody's laughing and having a great time. Bacon. Is. Everywhere. The next thing you know, you're passed out on your couch, all Netflix and no chill, wishing someone would turn the lights off and the music down.
But then you realize, after endless water bottles and supplications to a higher being, eventually life goes on. The thunderous clouds in your head part, and like a champion, you get back up and do it all over again the next weekend.
Remember, wine is as old as the earliest civilizations. It used to be the the drink of the privileged in ancient Sumeria and Egypt. It's been argued to promote a long life and a healthy heart, and helps reduce the aging process of cells, keeping you young and strong.
Also, it goes great with dark chocolate and cheese. Who wouldn't want to drink wine on that merit alone? And it might just say an awful, but awesome lot about you.