So This Is A Story About A Guy Who Has Sex With ... Fruit

Photo: weheartit
Guy Who Masturbates With Fruit

You'll never look at watermelons the same way again.

Just when you thought some people's fetishes couldn't get any more bizarre, you discover a whole new secret of world of teenage boys getting their rocks off with fruit.

In this article for Vice, called "I Was A Teenage Fruit F*cker," an Anonymous writer narrates the years he spent looking for brand new ways to satisfy his sexual needs. He says, "At a certain point in a man's life, however, the hand is simply not enough, and we all must make a choice."

Due to the lack of potential sexual partners during his teenage years, the Anonymous writer sought masturbation relief through DIY sex toys. Such toys included wrapping surgical gloves in towels ... and using fruits such as bananas and watermelons.

He's done it all. Here are his top recommendations for DIY sex toys, and what to expect in case you want to ... experiment.

De-core a banana: He calls this "economically the best option." Bananas are a staple in many households and if the other occupants of the house question your sudden passion for the fruit, you can simply say, 'It's high in potassium.'"

But it's also really messy, due to "excess remaining banana goop and sugary starch [that] would stick to my legs or drip onto the floor," he says.

Heat up a watermelon: This is the process of cutting a penis-sized hole in a watermelon and warming it up in the microwave. The Anonymous writer finds this the least appealing: "The lack of pressure that can be applied due to the melon's hard shell leaves you with a loose, slobbery mess," he says.

Unlike with the banana, you don't have the same grip and control, not to mention the weight of watermelons makes the experience un-enjoyable and a total chore. However, if you really want to try it, he recommends using a table or another piece of furniture for stability.

Stuff a rubber surgical glove in a towel: He finds this to be the best method he's found, right after the banana (and you're not abusing any poor, defenseless fruit with this one). It's less messy and cleanup is quick and easy.

"Squirt some of your favorite lotion in, strap it on, and go to town," he said. "When you're done, just throw the glove away and voila!" Apparently, this is also a popular method used by prisoners (they call it a "fifi").

Although these methods may seem bizarre and you may never look at fruits the same way again, the Anonymous writer feels that experimenting with various different objects is nothing to be ashamed about. He's always welcome to try new DIY sex toy ideas and he hopes that people become more comfortable talking about their weird practices.


Explore YourTango