Start Smoking, Date Down (And 7 Other Steps To Find Your Husband)

Photo: Universal Pictures
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston from The Break-Up

A new study in Australia says stay away from educated people. (Um, ok.)

How do you stay happy in a relationship? Well, according to a study from Australia, stay away from educated people. It's OK to educate yourself, but when it comes to picking a partner, the higher their level of education, the lower your happiness.

The study really points out that the key to building a happy relationship is to agree on the little things.

For example, you both might be anti-murder, but your favorite color is her least favorite color. Well, guess what? You can both sit around not murdering anybody all you want, but you'll never be happy. All because you like green and your partner thinks that green is the color of vomit.

You can check it out yourself if you want, but we've made it easy for you. Here are the key points from the study. Sure, you might think that happiness isn't something that can be quantified, but you're wrong.

Also, people aren't easily defined, so maybe you should determine who you want to be with by how they make you feel. Cold-hearted scientists have discovered the secrets to happiness, and here they are:

1. Be the bigger jerk between you two.

It seems like whoever is more agreeable tends to be less happy. That makes sense, because agreeable people are always agreeing to do stuff they don't want to do.

Never give in. Go see the movies you want to see, go to the restaurants you want to eat at, toilet paper the houses of the neighbor's YOU don't like. Your happiness depends on it.

2. Be older than your spouse.

Surprisingly, being the older person in the relationship is more satisfying. It has to be a significant age gap, however, of at least five years. If you're not in that position now, freeze your partner. Hopefully they figure out how to revive people within the next decade.

3. Skip certain decades of your life.

Speaking of decades, there are certain decades that are just miserable for both men and women. Men don't like their 40s and women feel the same about their 50s. There's no real way to avoid living decades of your life, so I guess all you can do is brace yourself.

4. Have no dependent children.

Having children doesn't hurt a relationship, but having dependent children does. So, make sure your kids are independent. Or, better yet, don't knock up or get knocked up by the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

Find some super-successful person to be your baby's mommy or daddy who can afford to take the kid while you do things that make you smile.

5. Start smoking.

Most people would agree that smoking is bad, which is true ... unless you want to be happy. If you're in a relationship and you're a smoker, there's no combination that will upset you.

Even if your partner doesn't smoke, that's their problem. They'll be super unhappy, but that's their problem. No one's stopping them from picking up a pack of cigarettes.

6. Don't let your partner go crazy.

Dealing with someone who's in poor physical or mental health will upset you more than dealing with your own health. Get in your partner's face and make sure they take care of themselves. Don't worry about yourself; they can take care of you.

7. Don't be in the labor force.

The happiest man is one whose wife isn't in the labor force; the happiest woman is one who isn't in the labor force. I'm not saying that women shouldn't work; I'm just saying I want them to be happy.

8. Don't let time pass.

One of the biggest things that hurts relationships is the passage of time. People who are in newer relationships are happier. Happiness is fleeting and you'll only ever get a taste of it. Man, this got depressing fast.

9. Be the boring one of the union.

Men are happy when their partner is an extrovert; women are unhappy when their partner isn't. So, either way, if you want to be happy, just be boring.

Let your partner figure out new things to do and make new friends. Put it all on them, and then just sit back and hope they don't come to hate you.



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