You're beyond excited! You're finally going to have sex with your new boyfriend, but you're nervous about an entire laundry list of reasons.
I have small boobs. I have a fat tummy. I don't know how to touch him the way that he enjoys. What if he hates the bjs I give him? What if I smell bad?
Usually, at the very top of that laundry list is the question, What if I can't have an orgasm?
This worry stems from this all too common myth that if you or your partner do not have an orgasm, someone didn't enjoy the sex. Of course, believing that this is a true fact for so long will worry both of you. Your main goal is to give each other pleasure. If you can't, then you feel like a complete failure.
Then, when it comes the time to have that steamy night together, you can't stop thinking about the end result. You focus on it so much that you completely think yourself out of the orgasm you initially wanted!
This type of negative thinking is what causes sexual performance anxiety. Basically, it's a super frustrating form of stage fright that manifests in the bedroom because of your insecurities and worries (especially the Big 'O' worry) that you just can't enjoy the sex or reach orgasm.
Are you overthinking this whole orgasm thing? SVP of YourTango Experts and host Melanie Gorman discusses with sex therapist and author of She Comes First Ian Kerner, Ph.D., counseling master sexologist Natalie Blais, couples and sex therapist Megan Pollock and author and sex therapist Dr. Sonia Borg why so many people develop sexual performance anxiety and can't orgasm in response to that dysfunction.
Here are two mind-blowing ways these experts say will help you relax in order to help you reach the orgasm your desire:
1. Savor Every Second Of The Journey
Being in the moment and loving every bit of it will arouse you enough to reach that ultimate, super pleasurable end result. Instead of focusing on what you want to feel at the end, focus on what you're feeling at that very moment.
Close your eyes, and focus on the sensations you are having. That will definitely help you reach that pleasure peak you've been searching for. Plus, it'll sneak up and surprise you, making the experience even more exciting!
2. DON'T Rush It
Take your time! Draw out your sexual experience to build the sensations, anticipation, excitement and arousal. Maybe start with just cuddling and lovingly caressing each other, like you're enjoying and loving every inch of your partner's body. That will create intense feelings of love and connection that will keep you going and make you want more.
Then, go in any direction with this that you want. It's all up to you. Make this intimate time together fun and relaxing, like you're taking the time to enjoy this special moment together and to learn about what turns each other on.
Natalie Blais offers a great suggestion for people who feel like they're always crunched for time. She says, "If you create that seduction all day long, and you are texting and calling each other, sending those notes and creating that seduction all day long, that gets that arousal — [that] gets you in that heightened state of arousal ... You're already [turned on] for that end result, and if you have a limited amount of time for that actual intercourse, you've been seduced all day long. You're not into the bedroom going, OK, we have to get to the end of it...."
Do you feel like you or your partner has sexual performance anxiety? Watch the video above to hear more expert advice on how to easily reach your pleasure destination, guaranteed!