6 Unfortunate Signs You've Reached Your 'Last F*ckable Day'

Women obviously only exist for two reasons: to be pretty to look at, and NEVER to question why men spend 4,000 hours playing fantasy football every year instead of raising our children. *eye roll*

Hopes. Dreams. Contributions to society. These things mean nothing unless they're directly related to sending blood to my favorite organ. (Yep, you guessed it, my penis.)

That's why becoming unf*ckable is the greatest threat to your womanhood. On the hilarious Season 3 Premiere of Comedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer, even Patricia Arquette, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Tiny Fey embrace and celebrate their impending last f*ckable day. Why shouldn't you?

How could you possibly survive if a man were to find you unattractive. Why would you want to live?

Here are a few warning signs that the male population no longer wants to have sex with you. If you find yourself on this list, take immediate precautionary action:

1. You're going gray.

Unfortunately, women don't get to be silver foxes. And there's no possible way your age could mean you have the sex skill and experience to far outperform a 19-year-old college girl.

What's worse, a woman who's going grey might even have the confidence to know what she wants in the bedroom and how to get it, instead of selflessly pleasing us. Madness!

2. You've developed crow's feet and/or forehead lines.

Aside from age, everyone knows forehead lines are developed due to thinking — something no f*ckable woman should ever do.

Men like our women to be thoughtless, consent-providing robots. A furrowed brow means you're questioning our logic on why we don't have to wear a condom just this once.

3. You have kids.

Once you've had a child, your body is TOTALLY unfit for sexual consumption. There's just no way a human can come out of a vagina, and still leave it functionally intact. It's not like evolution would design women to keep procreating after one child. Not at all.

And C-sections are no exception. That scar? How can a man be expected to maintain an erection while looking at a tiny discolored part of your body that you probably can't even see in the dark anyway.

4. You've stopped drinking excessively.

Listen, if I'm going to get you to sleep with me, I need you to be making bad decisions. This is the entire point of insisting on buying you a drink, even after you've refused 47 times and filed 2 restraining orders.

5. You're two pounds overweight.

It apparently doesn't matter that Will Ferrell has the body of a melted ice cream cone. Hollywood still has him become Christina Applegate's love interest in the Anchorman movies despite the fact that she's way out of his league.

Be careful out there ... even standing in the rain too long can make you gain enough weight to be unf*ckable.

6. You're self-confident.

Confidence is an instant red flag that we're not going to get what we want in bed ... that you might want to have some input on the experience (the nerve!).

Men are hunters. We want to separate the wounded animal from the pack and prey upon it. It's not like sex is supposed to be some kind of mutually beneficial activity where both partners are satisfied with the experience.