Take note, ladies: intimacy begins long before your clothes come off.
One could hardly read the countless number of articles about things you can do for your man in bed — without concluding that the advice about intimacy isn't working. Take it from a man, you should — and must — expect more from us if you're ever going to have a fulfilling and lasting sex life.
How often have you told yourself that you deserve better?
The sad reality is that we generally deserve what we're willing to accept. The key is to believe that you're worthy of better; when you feel worthy, you're less likely to accept the unacceptable.
One of the most difficult challenges women in relationships face is admitting to themselves that what's going on in the bedroom isn't right; it isn’t what they'd always dreamed it would be.
I can hear many of you saying, "Fairytales don't exist." I know that's just what you tell yourselves to continue living the way you do. At one point in your lives you felt hopeful and special. You weren't wrong to feel that way; there's nothing wrong with you, you just have to make better choices.
Although there's no foolproof way to have a great sex life (that depends on two people, so guarantees aren't possible), if you adopt the following rules you will dramatically increase your chances of having a respectful and rewarding intimate partnership:
1. Make sure he's always courting you.
Your sexual relationship with your partner will begin from the moment he introduces himself. Make sure he's courting you the entire time.
Look for signs of how he might view women. Does he view you as one of the guys? Or, does he realize how lucky he is to have your attention?
If there's cursing and dirty jokes from the beginning, he won't be making you feel treasured in the way you've always wanted. (Or, maybe it's just me who wouldn't want a woman for whom that type of behavior is acceptable.)
Make sure you find a man who is keenly aware that for you, intimacy begins long before your clothes are off.
2. Leave your baggage at the door.
Avoid, to the extent that you can, all the baggage you've accumulated during your previous sexual experiences. Don't put your new man at a disadvantage by forcing him to pay for the sins of your previous partners.
Give him a chance to show you he's different. You should also avoid habits that may have contributed to the demise of your previous relationship.
3. Tell him about your hang-ups and insecurities.
Just get it out there. Let's face it: we all have things about our physical appearance we wish were different. Instead of trying to hide them or deny their existence, tell him things about yourself that you're concerned he may not like.
Think about it: if he really doesn't like you because you're not perfect, you don't want him anyway. Wait for the one who thinks you're perfect — perfect for him.
4. Once you're naked, stop worrying about it.
Forget fretting over your physical appearance; you're already there as naked as the day you were born. You might as well trust that he finds you irresistible. If he doesn't, why would you want to make him your partner beyond that very day?
Chances are, when you're fantasizing about the perfect sexual encounter, part of that fantasy doesn't include a preoccupation with the lighting in the room or how your butt looks in that position. Take the mindset you use when you fantasize into every sexual experience.
5. Set your limits.
Don't do anything you don't want to do in bed. It will only harden, desensitize, and create resentment in you. Just set your limits and don't hesitate to tell him the things you truly enjoy. Remember that your body remains a mystery to most men.
6. Experience him instead of pleasing him.
Don't do anything where your focus is on pleasing him. You should shoot for doing things that please you.
If you focus on the process of pleasing him, it will become more of a task and less of a pleasurable experience. And quite frankly, people are usually a lot better at doing things they enjoy.
Although different than women, men share many similarities with their partners. For example, if we truly see you enjoying yourself as you're engaging with us, it inevitably generates excitement and pleasure.
7. Stop thinking about what you're supposed to do next.
During intimacy, women are often consumed with thoughts about what they're supposed to be doing. You're not trying to get through a maze.
Enjoy the moment and try to trust your senses without analyzing every step. Think of yourselves as gifts — you're giving each other the pleasure of enjoying.
8. Stop worrying about his orgasm.
Don't misinterpret your male partner's orgasm as a sign that you're doing something right. It can actually represent the opposite.
Generally, a male orgasm lasts less than ten seconds. If all the courtship, flirting, seduction, and lead up to sexual intimacy is geared towards an event that lasts mere seconds, something isn't right in your bedroom.
Look for a man who avoids his orgasm for as long as possible, or maybe altogether — not because he wants you to have one first, but because he wants to continue making love to you for as long a humanly possible.
That should tell you just how much he's truly enjoying you. If your man hasn't reached an orgasm, don't question your sexual prowess.
Remember ladies, just like you have the ability to trick us by faking your orgasms, men can have one right away while making believe you're someone else. The quicker they have one, the more that should tell you it's not about you.
9. Don't fake your pleasure.
Stop faking it. It robs you both of the possibilities. More often than not, men have no idea that you're doing it, and they usually couldn't care less if you are.
How many of you have faked it for years and are just now wondering how you got to this place in your life? You often fake it to get it over with. Don't go through life that way. You're depriving yourself of one of the greatest experiences a person can have.
10. Move on if he's not "the one" in bed.
Lastly, don't be afraid to admit that you're with the wrong person. It's OK to move on. A lifetime of unfulfilling intimacy will rob you of one of life's wonders.