Dear Men: You Don't Like My Maxi Dress? I Could Care Less

Maxi dresses offend you more than miniskirts? Get a life.

By Gwen Hutchings — Written on Dec 22, 2021

Photo: Alena Ozerova / Shutterstock

Perhaps you’ve seen this article about the scourge to mankind known as maxi dresses. The author has a lot of big, strong man feelings about this clothing trend that affects his life in exactly zero ways ... except to give him fewer public boners. He has summoned the bravery to share his thoughts with the world.

As it turns out, this dude — who admits he dresses like a drunk, homeless guy locked in an Old Navy overnight (so we should definitely take our fashion advice from him) — is very, very upset about maxi dresses.

When women wear them, he admits to experiencing "a deep and bitter sense of disappointment." That's right, folks, he feels bitter ... because of a dress! In fact, he finds this particular article of clothing so repulsive that upon seeing one, he can actually feel his "weird, horny energy being sucked back into (his) soul."

You know what, guy? Good. Thank God. Take all of that weird, horny energy and keep it far, far away from me.

Men like you — men who claim to know that women don't dress for you, but in reality expect us to dress for you — are the very sort of men who I don't want anywhere near my vagina.

You're worse than the out-and-out, in-your-face misogynists because you think you are enlightened, but when it comes down to it you still see women as objects put on this earth for your consumption. We are merely decoration.

Why the hell else would you care so much about a woman stepping out of her house in something that isn't arousing to you?

You say, "I totally understand that it's YOUR body and YOUR life, and you can wear what you want to wear to get through your day, but c'mon!"

Right. We can wear what we want to ... except if you don’t like it because you only want to look at sexy things. It seems you have forgotten that women do not exist to please you.

I hate to break it to you, buddy (okay, I don't), but when I get dressed in the morning, here is a list of the things I consider:

What's the weather like?
What's appropriate for the day's activities?
What do I feel like wearing?
Do I like it?

You'll notice that nowhere on the list is "Will it give some rando the gift of a raging hard-on?"

I don't actually care about making it into your spank bank . In fact, I'd prefer not to. I'd put good money on the fact that most women feel the same way. Your lusty gaze is not the highest achievement any of us can unlock.

I know it's unfathomable to a certain segment of the population, but the vast majority of us women really and truly dress for nobody but ourselves and — prepare yourself for this doozie — we don't care if you don't like it.

Do you know what I don't like? Burning the life out of my thighs by sitting on a hot car seat in shorts or getting swamp crotch from wearing jeans when it's 100 degrees outside. Maxi dresses solve both of these problems. They solve a lot of other wardrobe problems, too.

In these breezy beauties, I can run around after my kids without flashing anyone (as is likely to happen in a shorter dress) and also stay literally cool.

I can get dressed in ten seconds and not even wear yoga pants; I can look like I put in effort without putting in any effort; I can be comfortable and feel pretty; I can wear them to work, a party, the park, the grocery store, a concert, and yes, even on a date (and my man would still be all up in my biznass, guaranteed).