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Zayn Malik, the member of One Direction with the most vocal talent and the least PR prowess, announced he's leaving the band.
"My life with One Direction has been more than I could ever have imagined. But, after five years, I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band," Malik said in a statement. "I'd like to apologize to the fans if I've let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight. I know I have four friends for life in Louis, Liam, Harry and Niall. I know they will continue to be the best band in the world."
Basically, Zayn is sick of people catching him cheating on his lady. He's no longer a member of One Direction, that'll be a much more difficult set of photos and stories to sell to tabloids. The band will continue to record their fifth album with the remaining members. The band also released its own statement, saying, "The past five years have been beyond amazing, we've gone through so much together, so we will always be friends. The four of us will now continue. We're looking forward to recording the new album and seeing all the fans on the next stage of the world tour."
Translation: "Later bruh, we're still collecting our checks."
This comes after Malik was spotted canoodling very publicly with a woman who wasn't his fiancee, Perrie Edwards. This is the sort of guy Directioners are literally mourning the loss of, so much so that the folks at takemehomefromnarnia created a guide to dealing with the grief of his exit:
We'll break these down for you a little further:
1. Shock and Denial. Fans refused to believe Zayn is gone from the group of singers they've never met. They're scared of what it all means, so they desperately seek other parties on which to toss the blame, like Malik's long-suffering fiancee Perrie Edwards or on 1D's own Louis Tomlinson for being a bad influence. Or on (gasp) the marijuana.
2. Anger. Because how dare a man they've never met cross them?!
3. Depression and Detachment. I'm not quite sure how to detach from a dude I've never met before, but that matters not because these broads are, well, detached from reality.
4. Dialogue and Bargaining. "If I sacrifice this girl in my math class to Slender Man and my little brother to Simon Cowell, I just know he'll come back!"
5. Acceptance. "Guys, it's fine. He's the new Beyonce." Except for the fact that Beyonce left Destiny's Child to focus on a solo career that'd been brewing for years instead of for the privacy necessary to cuckold Jay Z, but whatever helps y'all sleep at night.
The blog also gave three suicide prevention tips, because, well, Directioners are out of their f*cking skulls:
1. If you are in trouble: link to the numbers of international suicide hotlines, because, you know, the good souls who work there to serve people with legitimate despair and psychological problems have all the time and energy in the world to listen to you shrieking over the loss of 1/5 of a boy band.
2. If you see someone else in trouble: here is how you can make sure they get help, which they clearly need if they're suicidal over a boy band.
3. Learn to understand your grief at this loss: the stages of grief in times of loss: our post, a more general one. Also, seriously? You're an insane person. Even if you're 14, you're an insane person. If this is the kind of thing that's so incredibly important to you, please don't vote. Thanks.