Pulling it off isn't so much about the what, but the when.
"I never told you this, but the night we met, at the Augusta party, I went home with my then-girlfriend. She wasn’t like you. You’ll climax seven times in the time it would take her to get there once. But that night, after standing near you at that party, talking, you were in my head and I made her come again and again and again."
My college boyfriend wrote me many letters. To this day, I think of the above passage from one of them again and again and again.
It’s not so much that I miss him, though we did have our fun, obviously. It’s more that it’s the absolute best sexual compliment I can recall.
Because when he gave it, I wasn’t even there.
And, it revealed that when he thought it, we weren’t even a thing.
"…you were in my head…"
How powerful, sexy, indelible that made me feel. Still does, especially every time he likes a Facebook status of mine.
And the recipient’s powerful, sexy indelibility is the key to the best sexual compliment you can give.
I know she didn’t mean it this way, but Maya Angelou had a point when she said, "People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
(Or maybe she did mean it that way. I’m sure she had it going on.)
But yes, want to delight someone, right down to their tingly parts? Tell them you’re thinking about how good they are, how delicious, when they’re not there. They’ve made an imprint.
Here’s when to do it:
1. Before you ever even have sex. A very attractive and charming player who I succumbed to was excellent at this. With a flick of his eyes, you could feel your clothes coming off as he made some offhanded remark, like, "Oh, I thought about you this weekend, what was it that reminded me?" You knew, and you couldn’t wait to see what he’d been thinking…
2. A few days after you’ve had sex for the first time (or any time early on). You’ve done the deed. You’ve probably praised the deed. But, if it was really noteworthy, send a little note about something very specific from the deed that popped in your head. (Even better if it popped up at an inopportune time, like you just can’t help thinking about them.)
3. When you forgot something important because of the sex. The aforementioned player once emailed me shortly after an encounter: "Holy … Best testament to today is that I forgot to bring my laptop to work. Wow." This is a little different to telling someone they’re on your mind. But that you may have caused them to lose their mind? Yeah, we’ll take it.
4. When you’re looking forward to having sex again. Even though we have two kids, I still make a point to give my husband a lingering, slightly handsy kiss most mornings, often while I’m only half-dressed. If he tells me that he spent his long commute half-hard thinking about what could have happened next, then the next will happen, most likely that night.
5. When things have gone a little stale. Yes, fantasies and new things are quite nice and necessary. But sometimes it’s reminding your lover of how good they were before that helps recharge the batteries. Pick a memory. Make it a good one. Be detailed.
6. When you want to get back together. Think about it: You broke up and your ex calls and says, "I miss you." You might take it or leave it. But if they say, "I woke up to a very sexy movie in my mind. You were [enticing predilection here] and I was [more choice yum yums here] and I could almost feel you." Yeah, you’ll probably at least get a feel out of it.
7. When you really like them. Everyone wants to be f*cking unforgettable and the reverse. I always thought that sounded like something Mae West or Dorothy Parker would say, but I said it. We only have so many ways in this life to claim our immortality and since we won’t all be silver screen legends like West or wicked pens like Parker, we have sex. Yes, to make the babies. That’s one way to immortality. But I’d argue, too, at least for some of us, to make our mark.
And sure, we want to be loved for our minds, our hearts, ourselves.
But we also want to be so damn good that we achieve, not to be indelicate, spank-bank status for life. I bet even Maya Angelou would agree.