As my wedding date got closer and closer, I felt like I was starting to lose it.
When I got married last May, I was ecstatic, as any bride would be. I was marrying the man that I loved in the most romantic city in the world (Paris!), and I couldn’t have been happier. Although the wedding planning was a bit stressful, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and because I kept the guest list under 60, there wasn’t too much drama of where to seat people and obligatory invites. I was really lucky in many ways.
But as my wedding date got closer and closer, I felt like I was starting to lose it. I didn;t think I was stressed, but subconsciously things were going awry and I couldn't quite figure out why. My therapist said it was totally normal, all the mental and emotional experiences I was having, and that once I walked down the aisle, it would all pass. And they did, but the four to six weeks leading up to that were, well, weird—but I guess every bride has her version of pre-wedding jitters.
Here's what happened to me.
1. I dreamed about my exes constantly.
It was an every night occurrence, all this dreaming about my ex-boyfriends, and no ex was skipped or forgotten. At first it was sort of intriguing, but then I felt like my brain was obsessed with the idea of my dating past. But apparently all brides go through it, and when I did some research, I found this on DreamMoods:
"If you are approaching your wedding date, then is not uncommon to experience especially erotic adventures with partners other than your intended spouse. This may be due to the intensity of the sexual passion with your fiancé. It also relates to the new roles that you will be taking on and the uncertainty that that may bring."
Then I felt better. But they didn't stop.
2. I decided to reach out to my exes and ask them what was "wrong" with me.
Normally, this is not something I need or even want to know. These men were in my past for a reason, and that’s where they needed to stay. But since I was making such a big jump with my marriage, I thought maybe I could get some input on how I messed things up in the past… that is if I were the messer-upper. I thought it would be as easy as it looked in the movie High Fidelity, but it was awkward, to say the least. The only plus side was that I got an article out of it.
3. I'd randomly breakout in hives.
Before last spring, I had broken out in hives— a red skin rash that pops up because of allergies or stress——twice in my life. But before my wedding, it was a couple times of weeks. Which, led my doctor to believe that, although I wasn't feeling stressed, I actually was.
4. I cried. A lot.
I cried when I was sad, but also cried when I was happy. I cried in the morning for no reason, and at night for the same no reason. I cried whenever my fiancé told me he loved me, and cried whenever we got into an argument. I couldn’t stop crying, and had to invest in a mint eye mask to wear at night to keep my eyes from totally puffing right up off my face. I found that cucumber slices weren’t cutting it.
5. I second-guessed my relationships.
Although I was quite secure in my relationship with my soon-to-be husband, I felt every the other relationships I had in my life was unstable. I questioned my friends' motives to want to be in my wedding, I wondered why some close friends declined (finances, obvs), and was overly paranoid about my working relationships with my editors. Everyday I felt like I was walking on eggshells with the people around me. It put my usual Xanax consumption into overdrive, because I never knew when another panic attack would strike, and they were striking often.
Takeaway? Getting married, even if we think we're not feeling stressed is a stressful and emotional event. You don't only look at your future, but your past and present far more analytically than ever before. In the end, everything was fine. I walked down the aisle in Bois de Boulogne, Paris’ answer to Central Park, and I was happy and hive-free!
So, if you're about to get married and are feeling pretty calm, cool, and collected, don't be surprised if things get a little wonky a month before the big day. It happens to all brides… especially that dreaming of your exes thing. That one you can’t escape.