No sex = sexiness? Believe it.
At 30, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I had essentially been someone's girlfriend for the past 14 years of my life. I had been in and out of monogamist relationships since the age of 16 and while in those relationships, I had taken on the identities of the men I was with rather than figuring out my own.
During my twenties - a time when I should’ve been focused on loving myself, learning myself and experiencing all the things this glorious world had to offer - I was busy starting and stopping relationships and having babies. (Four babies to be exact, by three different men.) These relationships started quickly, with intense chemistry and extreme infatuation, but once the newness of the relationshp was gone I was able to see the real person I was in a relationship with and it became crystal clear they weren't right the person for me.
Sex happened early in all my relationships.
Usually within the first month and only helped to deepen the hue of the rose-colored glasses I was already wearing. And even though my relationships always started with an urgent burst of chemistry and the sex was never lacking, I never felt an intimate connection in any of them. I wanted that to change. I no longer wanted to have a life made up of break-ups, heartbreak, and dependency.
For too long, I dependend on men to help me shape my life and my being.
For too long, I depended on my relationships with men to make me happy and make my world bright.
For too long, I depended on the physical affection of my relationships to make me feel secure.
I wanted (and desperately needed) my next relationship to be healthy and to achive that, I was going to have to take drastic measures. I was going to have to take a good hard look at myself and find out what made ME tick - without the distraction of men.
In late 2013, I decided I was going to be celibate for a whole year.
That meant: no sex, no dates, and most importantly, no focusing on anyone else except myself. I made that decision well over 450 days ago now and it's quickly become one of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life.
Since becoming celibate, I’ve learned to give into my needs and wants. I’m no longer a prisoner to my emotions, insecurities, or limiting beliefs which told me that I didn't deserve better. I learned something it took me three failed relationships and four kids to figure out: who you attract is who you are. And who I was pre-celibacy was completely f*cked up. My value was placed on how someone else made me feel rather than understanding how I felt.
In the last 450 days, I've learned you have to be madly and deeply in love with yourself before you can even attempt to be madly and deeply in love with another person. I’ve gained the strength to be comfortable in my skin, to value my imperfections, and to stand tall in my uniqueness. And it's all because I changed my focus to be on me.
I’ve become unequivocally and unapologetically the best version of myself.
What started as only a year long journey to stay away from sex has morphed into something more: the chance at a new beginning. I’ve decided to put dating back on the table, but still refrain from physical intimacy in my relationships until I find a love that's authentic.
For the first time, I'm looking for a man who will be completely honest with me about who they really are without any hesitation. I'm looking for a man who will love all I have to offer, which includes four wonderful sons. I'm looking for someone who's stable, understanding, and willing to make sure I know they value me. Maybe that's a tall order but I'm willing to hold out for it.
Have these 450 days been hard? Hell yes! I miss sex! But in the grand scheme of it, I know this physical sacrifice has opened me up to a new level of love and respect ... for myself. And if I thought the sex was good before, I'd like to think I ain’t seen nothing yet!