What we're thinking before, during and after a bikini wax.
It's one of the most dreaded parts about being a woman, aside from miserable periods, the pain of childbirth, and (if you're like me), big boobs that get in the way of everything: the bikini wax. It's painful, it's sticky, and it's awkward. But at least you're not alone, ladies. Here are 7 thoughts that went through my head last time I got waxed:
1. Pulling into the parking lot.
"I could totally just cancel. Sure, I'd still have to pay for the service, but I'd gladly pay not to have a layer of skin cells removed from my privates."
2. Checking in.
"Confirming my appointment with the receptionist is really just another way of saying 'Hey, my bush is huge right now.' I wonder if she thinks that when she looks at me, or if I'm just another bush in a large garden of shrubs."
3. Waiting in the reception area.
"Why is there soft music playing in the background? That's the last thing I want to listen to. I'd rather have some heavy metal to pump me up for the physical assault I'm about to endure. And why does the waiting room smell like whiskey? Oh wait. That might just be me …"
4. Walking to the waxing room o' death.
"The waxing room is always at the end of the hall, probably so the women getting their facials in the other rooms don’t realize the pain the muffled screams of agony being inflicted next door."
5. Making eye contact with the aesthetician.
"I'm not sure why you need to tell me what you're going to do. You're going to strip me naked and pour hot wax on vagina. I'm very aware of the service I signed up for. Please stop making eye contact and definitely don't tell me your name. I don't want to believe you're human."
"Why does the aesthetician leave the room for me to undress, if she's just going to come in and stare at my pubes? She can look at my vagina lips for some reason, but she's embarrassed to see me to remove my pants? That's too personal?"
7. The beginning.
"There it is. The crock pot of torment. It looks like it would house a brisket and some rosemary potatoes. If only …."
8. The middle.
"When will this end? Oh God, when will this end? Why do I do this to myself? What's wrong with a razor? That depilatory lotion works good enough. Hmmm, think I might actually have a coupon for that. Yeah, that's definitely a better option that this. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, MAKE IT STOP."
9. The conclusion.
"Are those TWEEZERS in her hand? Does she really think she missed a hair? She used enough wax to completely remove at least 2 layers of my skin. Does she really think a lone hair survived? If it did, that motherf*cker deserves to stay."
10. Getting dressed.
"Why does it hurt so much to put my pants on? Oh wait. My crotch isn't normally set on fire and then put out with baby powder."
11. The walk back to the reception area.
"This feels like the walk of shame in college, only instead of getting a frat guy's sweatshirt to take home, I have my panties in my purse and a burning crotch. Wait…that's EXACTLY ike the walk of shame."
12. Paying for the service
"What? I have to pay for this torture? All that was used was hot wax and cut-up strips of paper, and I'm pretty sure that woman enjoyed making me cringe. Can't we just call it even?"