As much fun as sex is, nothing ruins a family get-together at your folks' place quite like everyone hearing you get it on. There are just some many things that can go wrong. And here they are, step by step!
1. Waiting up past midnight for everyone to go to bed.
2. Having to convince yourselves that this is a good idea.
3. Stealthily looking for condoms in the communal bathroom … and running into your Great Aunt Ida.
4. Trying to be enticing in your childhood bedroom, which is still wallpapered with dancing unicorns.
5. Shushing each other every 15 seconds.
6. Trying to get him to knock this nonsense off, because you are on the clock and don't have time for anything fancy:
7. Squeaky beds, which if they had an inner monologue would sound something like:
8. Having to move at glacial speeds to reduce the aforementioned squeaking of the bed.
9. Knowing you have a limited amount of time and debating just throwing him off you already.
10. Giving neurosurgeon-level focus on getting to your orgasm while barely moving, and getting derailed by the tiniest sound in the house that you are sure is your cousin about to barge on in.
11. Biting your lip to stifle your orgasm so hard that you draw blood.
12. One of you failing and letting out a sound similar to the mating call of the Guinea baboon.
13. The awkward breakfast the next morning, when everyone in the house is avoiding eye contact with you.
14. Knowing that your mother, the sweet woman who birthed you, totally heard all your dirty talk.
15. Having to pretend that nothing happened, and that you two are total calm badasses.
16. And knowing that if one of you had just done this, all would be well: