It's surprisingly common — but that doesn't mean it'll end well.
Do lesbians fall for women who are married to men? All the time! And if that's you, be prepared for things to get hard.
What does that mean?
Don't expect it to be easy or for the wife to depart her marriage without a lot of hesitating, questioning and false promises. She and her husband have a life and probably a house and kids and bills and extended family.
Who is responsible for this messy situation?
Sometimes it's the wife. She's unhappy in her relationship with a man and she's trying to figure out how to feel better about life.
Even though she's been questioning her sexual preferences for a while, she may believe she has to stay married. Maybe she's not attracted to her husband anymore and is wondering if she's lesbian. Maybe he's not paying attention to her and she's lonely. Maybe she got married for all the wrong reasons and is looking for answers. Or maybe she just got drunk one night and decided a lesbian encounter would be a great experience and a story to tell her friends.
On the other hand, the problem may stem from you. Perhaps you are a lesbian who prefers more feminine women and finds it hard to meet femme or lipstick lesbians. Or you're a lesbian who finds heterosexual women sexy and likes to flirt with straight married women because it's a great way to feel powerful, seductive and connected to someone who isn't really available.
Once in a while I hear from two married women who are having an affair with each other and aren't sure what to do. They aren't defining themselves as lesbians but have discovered they'd rather be with each other than with their husbands.
Dr. Lisa Diamond of University of Utah does research on human sexuality and has spent a lot of time looking at why women become attracted to other women. She has concluded from her years of research that women are more open and more fluid in how they connect to other individuals than we generally think. And that sometimes, when a woman forms a very strong emotional bond to another woman, sexual attraction can follow. These women are not necessarily repressed lesbians as much as they are expanding their sexual preferences based on a deep emotional connection.
Of course, ultimately affairs between a lesbian and a married women happen because there is something wrong with the wife's marriage.
When a relationship goes into the doldrums and distance starts to grow between a couple, an affair always becomes a possibility. Especially when someone shows up and starts paying attention to a woman who is lonely and desperately wants someone to really see her and appreciate her.
It's can also be easy for a married woman to tell her husband about the time she is spending with another woman. Certainly much easier than trying to spend time with another man. When a married woman is hanging out with a female friend, many husbands never question it. Something really odd has to happen for a husband to even notice.
But most of the time, the cat gets out of the bag; the husband finds out or the wife tells. Then what happens?
- The husband gets really mad and throws the lesbian out, telling her never to come back. She sneaks around for ages trying to get the wife to leave her husband but the wife won't go. The lesbian is heartbroken and alone.
- The husband says he loves his wife and is open to letting her try this out and get it out of her system. They experiment with an open relationship, sometimes all living in the same house together. This works for a while and then someone gets upset. Most often that's the husband saying he's done being nice about it and wants his wife back. The lesbian is heartbroken. The wife may be too, but she's too chicken to leave.
- Once in a while, the wife leaves her husband. Then there is a big mess to get through because of the divorce. However, this is actually a happy outcome for a lesbian and will hopefully lead to a long and happy relationship for both women.
Why do lesbians have affairs with married women?
I'd like to say it's simply because you don't believe you can find love any other way. But nothing about love or sex is that simple when it comes to women.
If you're about to have an affair with a married women, think twice.
Affairs happen. Some couples survive them. Some wives leave husbands for their lesbian lovers, but many lesbians are left out in the cold when it all falls apart.
Learn to take care of your heart and yourself. Get connected to a great therapist, counselor or coach who can help you navigate the decisions that will lead you to a great life and a great love.