7 Phrases Men With Low Self-Awareness Use Without Realizing Their Impact
These phrases reveal a lack of insight that can push people away.
Anna Maloverjan | Canva Sports have unwritten rules. These rules developed over the evolution of the game. They were invented and enforced by players and coaches. If an unwritten rule is broken, the offending player will face the consequences.
Relationships have unwritten rules. Technically, all of the rules in dating are unwritten, but there are certain rules in relationships that are so obvious they really shouldn’t have to be explained, but sadly, plenty of men lack self-awareness. We’re going to explain the phrases men should never say because these statements hurt others (often without the speaker even realizing it), and recognizing them is the first step toward real growth.
Here are seven phrases men with low self-awareness use without realizing their impact:
1. 'How many people have you been with?'
Just as she should never ask how many women you've been with, you should never ask her how many men she's been with. The reason you should never ask this question is that you don't want to know. It doesn't matter if the number is high, low, or smack dab on the nose of what you’ve deemed "acceptable" — there is nothing to be gained from the knowledge of how many other men she's been with physically.
Instead, say: “How many long-term relationships have you been in?” If you must know, or find yourself in a situation where you have to ask, it's better to steer the question away from physicality and more towards relationships.
2. 'Do you want to come back to my place?'
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The night is wrapping up, and the date is going incredibly well. You don't want to make assumptions, so you drop the question, offering to move the night back to your place.
Of course, you want her to go back to your place after a date (she made up her mind about it either way during appetizers), but phrasing the question in this manner makes it feel like something is expected. There are ways to get her back to your place without being so blunt, and frankly, putting her on the spot. One study explained that inviting a woman to one's place after a first date can be interpreted as primarily wanting a physical encounter, which can make a woman uncomfortable and feel objectified.
Instead, say: “I just don’t feel like the night should end here.” This works for two reasons: There isn't a question that needs to be answered, so in case the answer is no, she doesn't have to come right out and reject the offer. The second reason it works is that it gives her the chance to make the suggestion. She might say, "Let's go back to your place," or even suggest her place. Either way, the choice is hers to make the offer without feeling pressured to answer at the moment.
3. 'You should meet my family'
Meeting the family is a huge deal for women. It can often make or break a relationship — depending on how damaged your family is — and women view the moment as the next huge step in a relationship. It's a huge step and one that guys don't necessarily understand the importance of because we tend to do it more often than women.
Men introduce a romantic partner to their families, not always because they feel it's time, but often because it gets them to stop asking about the woman they're dating. Men will even introduce casual hookups to their parents and siblings.
We're just dumb like that sometimes. First, make sure you're bringing everyone together for all the right reasons.
Instead, say: “Would you like to meet my family?”
She should meet your family. She should meet your family when you're ready. She should meet your family when she's ready. Just because you're ready doesn't mean she's ready. Proposing it as a question means you're ready for her to meet your family, but she has the option of saying yes or no based on her feelings.
4. 'That outfit makes you look silly'
Men make jokes or just openly complain about the amount of time a woman spends getting ready. It's not as if she's running around in circles, and then five minutes before it's time to leave, she starts putting herself together.
Looking good takes time, and women spend a good portion of that time in preparation, from picking out clothes and shoes to the color of their hair and nails. Even the best preparation doesn't ensure she'll be happy with the result, so saying she looks bad in an outfit shows zero consideration.
Instead, say: “I just don’t like that outfit.” If you must (and really, why must you?) voice your displeasure with her appearance, it's best to blame the outfit and not the person underneath. If you don't like the way she looks in a dress, shirt, or sweatshirt that she graduated college with, make it about the faults of the material, not about her.
5. 'Are you putting on weight?'
This one barely needs an explanation. If she’s put on weight, chances are she’s already well aware of that herself. The last thing she needs is for her boyfriend to point it out.
Instead, say: “Let’s do something active today. I’m feeling out of shape.”
If you do believe she's putting on weight, then your ultimate goal is for her to eat better and exercise. Instead of letting her know that you've noticed she's gone up a size or two (and trust us, she knows already), shift the focus to committing to being healthier together. You're not perfect and could probably stand to lose a couple of pounds, too. The focus will then be on sharing healthy activities, rather than on her weight gain.
According to a 2015 study by the Mexican Journal of Eating Disorders, women are often subjected to societal pressures about their appearance and weight in ways that differ from men. Asking about weight gain can trigger feelings of insecurity, leading to body dissatisfaction and potentially negatively impacting self-esteem.
6. 'I don’t like your friends'
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You don’t like her friends. It happens. She probably doesn’t like all of your friends, either, but she probably won’t come right out and say it. Unless the women she spends time with are horrible influences on her life or do things to jeopardize her relationship, there is nothing you can do about her circle of friends.
Instead, say: “We should meet some new people.”
Every couple has other couples they regularly hang out with. Those couples often split off into subdivisions of friends (men with men, women with women), and a new couple might be the solution to your issue with her friends: She makes new friends and spends less time with the old crew.
7. 'My ex-girlfriend used to do this. Can you do it?'
Nothing kills a vibe faster than making her think about your ex-girlfriend.
Instead, say: "Why don't we try this?"
One study found that when a man talks excessively about what his ex-girlfriend used to do, it can trigger insecurity and comparison in his current partner. His partner may feel like they are being measured against the ex, leading to self-esteem issues and resentment, or feeling unappreciated or inadequate. There is never any reason to mention your ex unless you are asked a specific question about her.
Alex Manley is a freelance writer and senior editor at Ask Men. Their essays, fiction, and poetry have appeared in numerous print and online publications, including The Walrus, Hazlitt, Vulture, Catapult, Maisonneuve magazine, Carte Blanche, the Literary Review of Canada, Grain, Vallum, The Puritan, and more.
