Tonight is the finale of American Horror Story: Coven. We were left in a mid-season state of suspense over the holidays. (Because throat-slitting, backstabbing witches, hooking up with ghosts, hacking zombies in your back yard and resurrecting frat brothers from the dead are all things that don't exactly lend themselves to Christmas, I guess.) And if you're like me, you've been waiting with bated breath.
A lot has happened this season, on and off the set! Co-stars Emma Roberts and Evan Peters (zombie hookups on the show) got engaged in real life, Stevie Nicks made a cameo (eek!) and Jessica Lange (love her) was nominated for another Golden Globe for her role. (But, of course, as a diehard fan you already knew all that. You're an unapologetic horror-phile who loves a good spine-chilling, skin-crawling scare.) Here are signs you need an intervention, stat. (But who says you wanted one?)
On Wednesday nights, you flip out when this comes on your television screen:
Aliens? Nazi doctors? Minotaur beasts? What the hell is going on?! It doesn't matter. (YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY.)
Except for the aforementioned hiatus, in which case you were all like:
For the first two seasons, Jessica Lange was your idol.
And you love using her impressive repertoire of sassy one-liners in real life.
When you found out that Jessica plans on leaving after the next season, you didn't take it well.
But when she was nominated for a Golden Globe (again), you totally called it. After all, she's simply the best. (Now we just need to get AHS awards for Sarah Paulson and Lily Rabe too, am I right?)
This season, they also added the equally badass Angela Bassett (whom you've fallen in love with).
And of course, the scariest of them all, Kathy Bates! (I mean, have you SEEN her in Misery?)
So let's be real, picking your favorite out of this lady trifecta of badassery is like picking your favorite child.
You have a delightfully dark sense of humor. When you crack up at "inappropriate" moments, your friends think you might be crazy.
But you do have a sensitive side. You want to be a part of the BFF pair Stevie Nicks and Lily Rabe so bad it hurts.
And don't even get me started on the mind-blowing moments!
... Like, when Misty resurrected a dead alligator (that killed that hunter) and you were all like:
… And when you found out about Spaulding the butler's creepy-as-shit doll collection in the attic (plus Madison's dead body).
... Or the emotional rollercoaster that is watching every member of the cast die, come back to life then die again.
And you don't know whether you're terrified, mystified, intrigued or some combination of all three at the idea of a zombie threesome.
You get your fix between episodes by obsessively checking Ryan Murphy's Twitter feed:
And you realize that this is the part of the season where all your favorite characters start dying (cue freakout).
But if you haven't seen the latest episode yet, the absolute worst thing is when someone spills the beans on who died (or came back to life). Um, spoiler alert? Thanks, jerk.
And that's why you've made it your mission to get all your friends/coworkers/neighbors/everyone to watch AHS (because it's the best show ever, duh).
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