Men have it pretty easy when it comes to so-called "bad behavior". Whether it's burping or farting in public (UGH), most of it is written off as just boys being boys.
Sometimes, it bothers us, but we say nothing because we really want to seem like the cool girlfriend or wife that doesn't nag their man to stop doing whatever the hell it is that grosses us out. So, I'll say it for you.
1. STOP saying our friends/coworkers/sisters/cousins are hot!
This can either go horribly wrong or kind of right. Right: "Your mom is so beautiful you look just like her."
And then there is, "Yeah ... your sister's boobs are bigger than yours, but all I need is a handful." (Yes, I've heard this one before but I digress.)
Look, it's not like we expect you to not look at, desire, or feel attracted to anyone else, but hearing how fine/hot/beautiful/pretty you think our best friend/sister/co-worker is just isn't on our list of things we want to hear.
They are too close to home and too close to you. This is a scenario we see constantly played out in movies, television dramas, and the "Maury Show," so the last thing we want to equate with you is getting a phone call from Maury's producer.
Thinking someone is beautiful does not mean you are going to cheat on us with them either, but would you want us telling you how sexy we think your brother is? Didn't think so.
2. Don't solve all of our problems for us.
Sometimes we just want to vent about our co-workers or frenemies. Just listen and please don't try and come up with a plan of action, unless we ask.
We have been dealing with this problem for a long time now and know what we need to do, but we can't risk venting about it with anyone else. Please put the whiteboard, markers, and note cards away — we got this.
3. Say NO to unsolicited d*ck pics!
Let's just be clear about this one, guys. We know what it looks like and do not need to have it saved in our phone's memory, e-mail database or IM screen.
There is nothing wrong with sexting and building up the anticipation of a night of amazing sex with a few naughty text, but the constant influx of pics of you standing in the bathroom mirror naked with the toilet behind you in the background is starting to get old.
Know what does turn us on? Saying that when you get home, you're going to pick us up, throw us on the bed, grab the ... vacuum and clean the carpet.
If you did this, I'd be home, naked, and waiting.
4. Don't even THINK about leaving the bathroom door open.
There is a comfort factor that settles in between couples and a little bit of the shall we say “mystery” dies.
I know, I know, you guys are men and in essence go to the bathroom in front of other men all the time, right? So what’s the big deal?
Let me clarify what I mean by using the bathroom in man terms…taking a dump. There I said it, it’s out there.
Close the damn door, do not talk to me through the door, do not tell me about the size of your crap, do not comment on the smell of it, but do be a gentlemen and give me a quick, non-descriptive warning before I go in after you.
5. Scratching your balls is a MAJOR NO-NO!
OK Al Bundy, you sitting in front of the television with your hand down your pants is not sexy. You scratching your balls mid-conversation at the mall is not sexy.
You adjusting your balls while walking in the grocery store is not sexy. We get it sometimes your balls land in an awkward place and need to be shifted, but can you be a bit more discreet about it, or excuse yourself when you do it, or just say excuse me when you do it in front of us?
In any case you need to be more aware of others around you, wash your hands, and while you’re at it wash your balls.
6. Don't assert your "manhood" in disrespectful ways.
I am not saying all men do this, but unfortunately there is a large majority of women that have experienced this behavior. Why am I so hot/fine/beautiful when you’re approaching me at the store/club/school/church (yes, I said church), but all of a sudden I’m a stuck-up bitch when I decline your advances and don’t give you my number?
Why do we, women, have to be put down in order for you to build yourself up and prove how manly you are? Why do you “check me” or talk down to me in front of your friends?
Don’t ever put your woman down or decide to discuss last night’s argument in front of your friends or family members. It’s childish behavior that has long-term negative effects on your relationship.
Also, you putting her down or calling her out when she is with your friends may also lead to one of your friends taking your spot. I’m just saying.
7. The "B-word" is absolutely forbidden.
There is so much I can say about this, but I will keep it short and to the point.
If we were to call your mother or grandmother a b*tch, you wouldn't appreciate it.
Do you feel that? That anger or what-the-hell-did-she-just-say feeling that is swirling through your mind? Good. Think about that every single time you think it’s cute, funny, adoring, or loving to call your girlfriend or wife your b*tch.
8. Stop comparing us to other women.
When we see you looking at a video girl, porn star, or magazine pic we are totally OK with that until you start comparing and expecting us to behave or look the same way.
You know all magazine pictures are heavily Photoshopped and airbrushed. You also know that your fave video vixen has on heavy make-up and all of the other fixings that enhance them, as well.
So why on earth do you expect us to act the same?
9. Don't whip out a new sex move without warning us first.
Sex is amazing. Sex feels incredible, but sometimes sex can be dangerous.
If, during sex you decide to try your new move, and she’s not ready, you may end up kicked in the face, or she'll up kneed in the stomach. YIKES!
New sex moves are always fun to try and most women are up to do them with you, but seriously, dude, don’t try and be Tarzan on your own — remember even he had Jane.
Communicate, plan, draw a diagram, make a PowerPoint presentation if you must; just prep us first.
10. Stop acting like a psycho over your favorite sports teams. (Yeah, I said it.)
I am a huge Laker fan and can be annoyingly loud. I’m obnoxious when a play doesn’t go my way and I also scream at the TV as if Kobe can hear me. It’s terrible.
You know what else is terrible? You doing the same things, but times 1,000.
Here is the thing. We understand your loyalty and we even understand that you think not washing your game day underwear for a week helps your team to win.
Don’t stop being your weird, fanatical, loud selves, but please don’t think any less of us if we do not want to be pulled into your ring of cray cray.
This article was originally published at Uptown Magazine. Reprinted with permission from the author.