My wife manipulates me through sex. Whenever she wants something, she's interested in me sexually, but otherwise, she isn't. What gives?
Dr. Fleming says that if you feel like you're being manipulated in this way, first, you should talk to your partner. After all, it's possible she doesn't even realize she's making you feel that way. Next, she suggests reconnecting with the memory of a time in your relationship when sex was spontaneous and provoked by a genuine interest in pleasuring one another.
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Hi I’m Dr. Megan Fleming with Ask an Expert here to answer your sex and relationship questions. Today’s question is: my wife manipulates me through sex. Whenever she wants something she’s interested in me sexually and otherwise, she’s not. What gives with this behavior?
Wow I can only imagine how disappointing and frustrating it must feel to experience that your wife is only interested in sex when there’s a contractual agreement, and I’m wondering whether or not she’s even aware that this is how you experience your sex life. First and foremost I think it’s to have that conversation because it’s so important you both remember that it hasn’t always looked this way. I can imagine in the beginning, spontaneously you both really enjoyed giving each other pleasure, and felt alive and adventurous in the bedroom. So just reconnecting with those memories of what was once in your relationship and knowing that it can look different than the way that it does now is an important first step.
It’s also true that unfortunately the frustration and the disappointment, how it comes across may actually become a contributing factor that doesn’t help turn her on or help her approach you. That if she feels like you’re always nagging or complaining or feeling as if you’re never getting enough sex, that that feeling of obligation or duty is not the same thing as like in the beginning when it was your desire for her and it was absolutely about how she turned you on and she really felt special and chosen and that unique connection that you both shared.
So I’m inviting you both to realize that there’s an opportunity here. That if you both don't like the way this contract or agreement has ended up happening in your relationship, you can rewrite your own script. So have that conversation about what is the sex that you both want, what would it look like, what your turn-ons are, what your turn-offs are. The more you share the picture you’d like to experience and the exploration and play, the more likely you’re going to get on the same page and have the opportunity to turn that thought and fantasy into your own reality. So I hope you have fun by creating that new dialogue and new opportunity.
Connect with me at YourTango.com/Experts/MeganFleming.