Sometimes a bad boy is keeping the free world safe for democracy, and sometimes he's just a jerk.
According to films, television programs, comic books, daguerreotypes, cave drawings and divinations from wishing wells, your next door neighbor, coworker or even husband could very well be a SECRET AGENT. Spies are many things, charming, capable, physically adept, but mostly they're terrific liars. The same penchant for misdirection that makes a guy top-notch in the espionage game makes him absolutely horse plop in the awesome boyfriend department.
The mysterious, handsome fella that you see fortnightly may actually be a spy. Then again, he may just not be interested in a relationship with you.
Here are five signs he's either a spy or absolutely not your boyfriend:
1. You are not friends on Facebook. If you're a spy, you probably don't have a Facebook page. If you're everyone else, you have one. If a lady is your actual girlfriend, you are friends on it.
2. You have never met any of his friends. A spy can't let people in too close. A dude dating five chicks can't risk his dipstick bros inadvertently blowing up his spot.
3. He gets incredibly uncomfortable when you get near his phone. A member of Her Majesty's Secret Service can't allow some civilian to have a looksy at state secrets. A dude who you are not dating does not want you to see what kind of crazy sexts might be rolling on through.
4. You don't talk about the future, the past, the present or anything that doesn't involve basic common knowledge or getting nudey. Loose lips sink ships. Also, guys who aren't dating you could care less about your stupid mom.
5. He is preternaturally selfish in bed. We've been led to believe that dudes in the spy biz get theirs and get gone (at least that's super agent Sterling Archer's steeze). If you're not actually dating, he feels a little less obligated to "return the favor."
6. He's absurdly physically fit and getting moreso. The secret agent's number one instrument is his brain, closely followed by his body. A guy who has a girlfriend starts missing a trip to the gym periodically unless he's gotta stay Situation-ed up for other ladies.
7. He regularly bails on plans at the last moment. Some dictator may need to get wetted*. Or a chick he met at the gym may also need to get likewise wetted.
That's it. He's either keeping the world safe for or from democracy, or you're two-deep on his weekday "Smash List."
BONUS: His initials are JB. Think about it: James Bond, Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer are all tremendous spies. But Johnny Bravo, Jim Beam and Joy Behar are just terrible boyfriends.
*Note: Wetted can mean murdered or female arousal.
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