Why I Pass On Using The Back Door, All The Time


exit only
Not every dude wants to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Some men call it the final frontier. Whereas the vagina is the entry point of life, the anus is the terminus of the human digestive process. The alpha and the omega. Yet this rear entry (exit, really) holds a mystique and allure that 995 of the 1,001 Arabian nights can't even sniff. Is it the taboo? Is it the fit? Is it a power thing? Whatever the case, you can count me out.

A number of couples save surrendering the female partner's be-hymen* for a special occasion like after they're married or they're bored with sex or out of condoms or drunk. Red-letter days all of them but it seems more like a punishment in my book, for both parties. If I wanted a similar experience, I'd fill a water balloon with two-week old curried lamb slurry, wrap a Pink rubber band around the opening and play a recording of someone screaming, "slower, slower, I said slower goddammit. I hate you," in my ear.


Obviously, there are a number of factors in favor of backdoor lovin'. Some gentlemen (many of them never having spent time in the pokey) prefer the extra-firmness of the rear-facing aperture. Some couples believe the taboo or pain creates an intimacy far more than five centimeters away from conventional love-making. Plus, legends of butt babies be damned, it's not possible to impregnate someone's colon. Some cultures even believe that carnal posterior affection leaves a gal's maidenhood firmly intact. I appreciate a tight squeeze, extra affection, not having to use a barrier method and sexual technicalities of all ilk, however the idea of a trip to the eerie canal turns me off for one very specific reason: poo.

I'm very uncomfortable with poop and that's compounded with proximity to my bare shfonz. There are two great ways to get anything on your genitals and you can entirely eliminate one of them by never jamming them into something. A pair of consenting adults can likely enjoy sodomy without getting anything awful-smelling on themselves but if you play with fire long enough you get burnt (or in this case smeared). 7 Excuses For Getting Out Of Anal Sex

Next: Why anal sex can be less than romantic...

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