Are you dreaming, or did your husband really just ask you if you would have sex with him and another woman? What should you do if you're just not into the idea and how do you say, "Um, absolutely not!" in a polite way?

Whether you considered it for a second or hated the idea right away, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to! Threesomes can be fun, but not when both partners aren't on board. Before you dish out an automatic rejection, though, you may want to take some time to think. In order to bring you both back down to reality, you need to tread lightly. Why do you hate the idea, and why does he like it? In this instructional sex video, Counselor/Therapist and YourTango expert Carin Goldstein offers her advice on how to deal with such a proposition. Your man may think "three's company" is a fun way to spice up your sex life, but as Carin will tell you, it brings up a much more serious issue...one that involves only two of you.

TRANSCRIPT:

Hi, I’m Carin Goldstein with Ask an Expert answering your love and relationship questions. Today’s question is: Dear Carin, My husband is deeply dissatisfied with our sex life. Recently he approached me about having a threesome. I have no interest in doing that. How do I talk to him and tell him that I don’t want to do it without him feeling rejected with his needs?

Good question and I’m glad that you’re thinking about this and not just jumping into his big plan or big idea because I really believe that once you bring in a third party into the bedroom you’re instantly creating a huge barrier between the two of you. I’m all about being creative and spicing things up but this particular idea that he has concerns me and I’m wondering if this is his way whether it’s conscious, unconscious, if this is his way of giving into him meaning to avoid intimacy with you. And that’s what you want to bring up and I would say to him “Look, I hear that this is something you’re interested in. I would like to know what is it that you’re hoping this is going to do for us as a couple?  Do you think this is going to bring us closer, you know, what’s the fantasy you have? What do you think?” And listen to him.  It would be good for him to listen to himself, regardless of what he says, you need to follow it up saying, “Listen, I think that this is going to create a barrier between you and me. I’m concerned that you’re avoiding something between you and me and I’m not agreeing to doing anything until we talk about this more. Um, our intimacy as a couple is really important and I’m not willing to do something that could in the end damage the relationship. So we need to discuss this further.”

Connect with me at yourtango.com/Experts/CarinGoldstein.

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