Go ahead, nonchalantly text this article to your guy.
Boobies, tatas, jugs, melons, bubbies (if you're a "Real Housewife" from New Jersey).
There are so many nicknames, and about as many ways to show your appreciation for our girlie golden globes. But every lady has a story about some boob hound who did her knockers wrong!
So, dudes, because I can't look in those sweet eyes of yours and lie, I'm going to uncover boobs for you, well, with some straight talk.
1. If you keep sucking in a constant, steady motion, like a baby, and don't switch up your moves, we'll get creeped out. Throw a lick or a hand in, or we'll make you use a bottle next time!
2. Even if I like it rough, don't gnaw off my nipple. A little teeth can give that pleasure-y kinda pain, sure. But how'd you like it if I bit off your nipple? Easy there, tiger.
3. In the immortal words of Simple Minds: "Don't you forget about me!" You can go down on me for hours, but if you don't touch my boobs, I won't be satisfied.
4. You can rest your head on my perky pillow, but if you try an elbow or an inanimate (non-sexytime) object, I will wonder if you respect me.
5. Even if my pair is spectacular, and I'm sure they are, you cannot list them among the reasons you like me. Breasts are not a personality trait.
6. FYI: Boobs can get sore and feel like two water balloons strapped to my chest when I'm on the rag and/or PMSing. As if those two things weren't already bad enough.
7. You can be excited when I go up a cup size from birth control or pregnancy (weird coincidence, eh?). But please remember there is a person attached to those new fun bags, and you liked that girl before she grew.
8. Forget you ever learned the word "saggy."
9. Do not make fun of any other woman's rack. They're tits; you get what you get—even if that involved a saline purchase.
10. There may come a time when my cleavage may need some lubrication... Wink, wink. But under no circumstances should you spit directly at them. Too close to the face.
11. Just like when you were in line in preschool, don't push! Or pull too much for that matter. They're flesh! Try a nice massage. Yes, yes, that's it.
12. Bras are never really comfortable. Even the ugly ones.
13. Focus on the nipple. Our boobs are giant tempting play lumps, but stay centered like the pink thing pointing straight at you.
14. If our nipples aren't hard, what you're doing isn't working. Sound familiar?
Written by Simcha Whitehill for The Frisky
This article was originally published at The Frisky. Reprinted with permission from the author.