Think Your Way To Better Sex

Think Your Way To Better Sex

Think Your Way To Better Sex

Thumbnail: 
brain better sex
Dek: 
Your state of mind affects your response in the bedroom. How your brain can improve your sex life.

Your partner seduces you into the bedroom. You take off your clothes, climb into bed and... start thinking about the laundry, your belly pooch or the fight you had with your boss. If this happens to you when you hit the sack, you're not alone. Many women's minds turn to everything but pleasure during sex. Why do we do this? And how can we stop it? 

Women are natural multi-taskers, which is helpful in daily life but can distract us in bed, when we should be focusing only on our pleasure and our partner. In addition to life's responsibilities, we bring emotional troubles into the bedroom, which can take away from our enjoyment—sexual and otherwise.

"It's not abnormal for women to get into an argument and fixate on it," says Dr. Debra Laino, DHS, M.ED, MS, a certified sex therapist and relationship counselor in Wilmington, DE. "Women have a tendency to get stuck on things more than men do."

Body image issues also follow us into bed. A September 2009 study revealed that one in twenty women had never had sober sex and that nearly half preferred getting tipsy before getting down, most likely so they could feel more secure. Another recent study found that women with a positive body image found it easier to orgasmDo Men Have Body Image Hangups?

Any of these distractions can, of course, ruin what should be a good time. "If a woman is already in a negative place emotionally, she is not likely to have an enjoyable sexual experience," says Los Angeles, CA, psychologist Colleen Long, Psy.D. "If you are lacking body confidence, your brain can focus on those areas."

Fortunately, there are ways you can re-train your brain to embrace the positive and pleasurable during sex and leave the stress and insecurity out. Here's how to start.

1. Get out of the house.
You can't go on vacation all the time, but you can spend $50 on a cheap motel. "A hotel room is one of the things that take you out of your environment," Dr. Laino says. "You're not thinking about the past and the future." The change of scenery can distract you from your everyday worries. Hotel Offers Rebate For Getting Pregnant

2. Let Obama handle the economy.
We're all concerned about money and job security, but you have to stop these stressors from disrupting your sex life. Only let yourself worry about them for thirty minutes a day and no more. Soon, this designated "worry period" will allow your brain to relax more easily in bed.

 

3. Schedule relaxation time with your partner.
After you've finished with your window of fretting, it's time to relax with your partner. Taking just thirty minutes or an hour after the kids have gone to bed helps you stay connected and increases happiness, which will make your romps more rewarding.

4. Let the kitchen stay messy.
Trick yourself into realizing it's OK to skip a chore by leaving the dishes in the sink overnight. The house and your life don't fall apart, do they? The more often you let yourself off the hook, the less your brain will nag you. Chores for Two: Why Men Don't Pitch In

5. And speaking of food, have dinner on the floor—preferably naked.
Doing everyday tasks differently is another way to get out of your element, which helps recreate the excitement you felt when you first fell in love and couldn't get enough of each other.

6. Boost your body image.
When you look in the mirror, compliment your skin tone instead of calling your thighs flabby. The more you tell yourself positive things, the more your brain will believe them, Dr. Laino says. "Your brain is convincing itself that you are what you say you are." Also remember that your partner is most likely focusing on the things he likes about your body, not the things you hate. 7 Body Parts Men Love—Just The Way They Are

7. Give yourself permission.
You're not being selfish by carving out carnal time. "Tell yourself, 'I'm allowed to do this. This is part of my life,'" Dr. Laino advises.

8. Get naked out of bed.
Dr. Laino recommends spending time naked together. The goal isn't to have sex, but to embrace, which will release the chemical oxytocin into the brain, making you feel safe and connected.

9. Don't make it about performance.
Forget trying to look or act like a porn star and focus on what feels good. If you feel anxiety or body insecurity creeping in during the act, take deep breaths in through your nose and out your mouth. "It's putting oxygen in your system and disrupting the anxious thought you had to make you focus on sensations in your body," Dr. Laino says. Spiritual Sex: 10 Erotic Commandments

10. Leave some things out of the bedroom.
Talk about serious stuff with your partner in a neutral place so your mind doesn't associate the bedroom with fighting or heavy conversation. "Don't talk about money, parents, the kids or religion," Dr. Laino suggests.

Follow these tips and you'll help keep the brain doing what it's supposed to be doing during intimacy: sending you love and pleasure feelings, not raining on your parade.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.