I recently had to give my Fuck Buddy the boot. It’s been almost 7 years since we first started..er..fuck buddying. For the most part we had a pretty good run of it. It was low drama, we got along, the sex was good. No, great. (..pauses to think wistfully of the sex..) But something happened recently. We took a turn. The sex part was less frequent. Sure, this was still oral and orgasms had by all. But the actual intercourse wasn’t happening. Instead we spent a lot of time..talking. And cuddling. That’s all well and good. But it wasn’t…real.
In the light of day, when we were apart, I wasn’t seeing that consideration or tenderness. There was no talking about our private thoughts and fears and day to day goings on. Out of bed, we were pretty much strangers. He’d text and I’d ignore him, I’d text and he’d brush me off. We rarely planned our little trysts. They were typically last minute. He’d shoot me a text at midnight or I’d send him one at one am. There was no structure. But when we’d get together, you’d think we were boyfriend and girlfriend. No. We were just playing those roles. Pretending. The thing is, it’s really easy to get used to that.
Having a relationship like that in your life when, at the same time, you’re out there looking more substantive complicates things. You start to grow accustomed to his face, so to speak. You become complacent about your search for true love. Especially if you’ve had a string of bad first dates or just heard that your ex was now getting married and moving to London. Now those four hours of bliss and emotional intimacy is safe. Safer than going on another dinner date not knowing where you stand.
That’s the thing about Fuck Buddy relationships that ultimately make them frustrating for me. They aren’t real relationships, no matter how much they might resemble ones in the moments pre and post climax. There’s this feeling of sadness I’d have when my FB would leave. That’s not healthy. That’s a sign that I’m longing for more. Just not with him.
So, with great sadness and a little feeling of smug satisfaction that I cut ties first, I ended things. Via text. You know, because I like to keep it classy. One of my 2010 Resolutions was no more Fuck Buddy. Friends With Benefits? Maybe, since those relationships actually involve a relationship of sorts. But I’m not sure those are any better for me, either.
Yes, the idea of great sex is certainly appealing. And I have no doubt I will weaken and give in to my more primal urges. I tell myself I’m “okay” with being the “extra” or “just for sex.” As long as I don’t think about it too deeply, I am. But when I sit and really examine the situation, I feel really..disappointed in myself. It’s this idea that I’m allowing these men to believe they are getting over on me. That I am willingly giving up my control in the situation, while telling myself I don’t mind, just for sex. That’s what unsettles me about these relationships.
That I have to lie to myself.