I recently had to give my Fuck Buddy the boot. It’s been almost 7
years since we first started..er..fuck buddying. For the most part we
had a pretty good run of it. It was low drama, we got along, the sex
was good. No, great. (..pauses to think wistfully of the sex..) But
something happened recently. We took a turn. The sex part was less
frequent. Sure, this was still oral and orgasms had by all. But the
actual intercourse wasn’t happening. Instead we spent a lot of
time..talking. And cuddling. That’s all well and good. But it
In the light of day, when we were apart, I wasn’t seeing that
consideration or tenderness. There was no talking about our private
thoughts and fears and day to day goings on. Out of bed, we were pretty
much strangers. He’d text and I’d ignore him, I’d text and he’d brush
me off. We rarely planned our little trysts. They were typically last
minute. He’d shoot me a text at midnight or I’d send him one at one am.
There was no structure. But when we’d get together, you’d think we were
boyfriend and girlfriend. No. We were just playing those roles.
Pretending. The thing is, it’s really easy to get used to that.
Having a relationship like that in your life when, at the same time,
you’re out there looking more substantive complicates things. You start
to grow accustomed to his face, so to speak. You become complacent
about your search for true love. Especially if you’ve had a string of
bad first dates or just heard that your ex was now getting married and
moving to London. Now those four hours of bliss and emotional intimacy
is safe. Safer than going on another dinner date not knowing where you
That’s the thing about Fuck Buddy relationships that ultimately make
them frustrating for me. They aren’t real relationships, no matter how
much they might resemble ones in the moments pre and post climax.
There’s this feeling of sadness I’d have when my FB would leave. That’s
not healthy. That’s a sign that I’m longing for more. Just not with him.
So, with great sadness and a little feeling of smug satisfaction
that I cut ties first, I ended things. Via text. You know, because I
like to keep it classy. One of my 2010 Resolutions was no more Fuck
Buddy. Friends With Benefits? Maybe, since those relationships actually
involve a relationship of sorts. But I’m not sure those are any better
for me, either.
Yes, the idea of great sex is certainly appealing. And I have no
doubt I will weaken and give in to my more primal urges. I tell myself
I’m “okay” with being the “extra” or “just for sex.” As long as I don’t
think about it too deeply, I am. But when I sit and really examine the
situation, I feel really..disappointed in myself. It’s this idea that
I’m allowing these men to believe they are getting over on me. That I
am willingly giving up my control in the situation, while telling
myself I don’t mind, just for sex. That’s what unsettles me about these
That I have to lie to myself.