4 Types Of Infidelity & How Affairs Help Marriage
Infidelity can actually help a marriage. Find out how.
Unless you're inclined towards polyamory, extramarital relations are generally frowned upon. Monogamy is accepted and expected; infidelity is harmful. Right? Not so fast, says Michael J. Formica, a Psychology Today blogger. In a post on the "Enlightened Living" blog, Formica makes the case that thinking about cheating—and even stepping out on your sweetie—can potentially help your relationship.
First Formica identifies four basic types of affairs: object affairs, sexual affairs, emotional affairs and full-blown secondary relationships. In object affairs the cheating partner neglects the relationship to focus on something else—work, a video game, an intense involvement in floral arrangement—to the detriment of his or her love life.
A sexual affair is exactly what it sounds like: the adulterer rents cheap hotel rooms for sex—but not emotional intimacy. A sexual affair is strictly about nookie, nothing more.
An emotional affair is when there's no smooching, but lots of sentiment. You're spending hours on IM with someone who's not your boyfriend, spilling your secrets to a woman who's not your wife, turning to someone else instead of your partner in times of need. Clearly not good for your primary relationship.
The last type of affair is the traditional kind of cheating, where you have two parallel partnerships that are both sexual and emotional, and it's this kind of liaison that Formica says can actually help a marriage.
First, he says, an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership—what was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.
Second if you're having an affair you're probably doing it because you're missing something in your first relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that you lack, and address that problem.
Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different—according to Formica they can be "a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships."
Right about now you're probably thinking this is one messed up dude who's just making excuses for cheating. But Formica qualifies his analysis:
The "good" that might come out of an affair is clearly not the affair or its potential consequences. But, as I often say, everything is material for change. If we look at our choices and examine ourselves in an honest and forthright way, we just might find one of the keys to prompt our own evolution. That evolution might lead us back to a more authentic relationship with our primary relationship, or it might lead us to a more authentic understanding of ourselves that leads us away from that primary relationship. Either way, there is positive growth.
Discussion
I have been married for about 20 years and I think this is absolutly silly. I mean to each their own but I am old fashion and i believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman. I have been faithful to my husband ever since we started dating 22 years ago, and he has been the same. Four kids and 22 years later we are still going strong, plus two grandbabies so far :) Sure, we have hit some rough patches but thats where dillegence and fight come into play. We would never seek things we need from other people, because we dont want other people. Its a good heart and a strong mind that keeps you faithful. Of course everyone has been tempted to stray but thats when you say no way i am going to work on my marriage. i am going to stick to my guns and stick with my husband. Sleeping with other women/men is selfish and the easy way out, saying "ok we are not at our best but we are going to cling together and get some help" is whats right. The newer generation is about "make me happy" and how can i get what i want. they have no long term thoughts about what could happen, hence the rise in STD's, teen pregnancies, drugs, etc.
I believe cheating and open marriages are wrong, plain and simple. We were meant to live as one man and one woman.
Your spouse should be the only one for you, under all circumstances.
Love is a choice; not a feeling.
My boyfriend of 7 years is married. I can't begin to count the number of times I've talked him into staying married when his wife, whose first concern is herself, has done something so destructive it causes him to walk out. There are no kids involved, but she is a sort of pathetic woman who does these horrible things and wreaks havoc on everything and everyone around her with no forethought to the consequences.
My boyfriend isn't the stereotype of the a selfish, cheating, lying jerk . He suffers a great deal in his life and suffers for the sake of those around him, like the aforementioned self-centered wife. Do I wish he wasn't married and totally mine? Yes. Of course. He is my heart and soul. But she needs him and I can't see either of us being happy knowing she's floundering in sea of destruction of her own making. He's too good and kind a man for that and I'm no evil selfish bitch.
Neither of us set out to end up here or ever imagined this would be our life. We certainly didn't want it. In fact, we fought against it and avoided each other at all costs for a very long time. Still, we ended up here and we make the best of it.
She is much happier now that she has me smoothing over her irrational messes and making excuses to him for her thoughtless behavior, even if she has no idea that I do. He has the love. respect, consideration, companionship, excitement and passion she always told him he was a deranged pig for trying to achieve with her. And I have the undivided, adoring love of the greatest, most handsome, considerate. and wonderful man ever to walk this earth.
I am proud and lucky to be the woman at his side. If you ask him, he will tell you he is totally and completely in love with a perfect angel who is the most stunning and brilliant woman in the world. Crazy man:)
There are those who will say its easy for us to have the fun and mystique without the drudge of day to day life. We have that and plenty of it. In added doses. We run a national business, we work very hard, we deal with every kind of family and social drama any other couple do, we take out the trash and bicker over driving directions like everyone else. We have the drudge, with the added heartbreak of always having to let go. We see each other every day, we travel, we have friends, but we always have to let go no matter how much it hurts and there are times we are very sure we just can't do it.
But we dry our tears, smother our sorrows and so it, always suffering for the sake of others because despite the nature of our relationship, we are two very decent and good people. We cry and hurt so others, even the selfish ones, never do.
I am not at all ashamed of our relationship and I know he is very proud of our love. It isn't at all an easy life, but its a brilliant love and I wouldn't trade him for any man on this earth. I will never have children. I won't be a bride. I will never know what I might have looked like in a wedding gown or what it feels like to walk toward the man I love and profess the vows that I live profoundly every day. I probably won't be able to touch his face one last time when the time comes for either of us to pass on. But I can touch his face from now until then. I can devote all the love I would have given to a child to the man who made me his queen and devotes his life and love to me. I can profess the vows I will never be able to utter by living them in the daily highs and lows and loving that is our life.
Its that simple.
But what if she ever finds out about you? She'll be emotionally devastated. Lying and cheating for her sake won't work, especially if she is emotionally unstable.
The way your boyfriend is treating you is not loving or kind. He is not a noble, good man. For your own sake, you should leave him and find a guy who can really give you his love.
I think you should also be careful to take what he tells you about his wife with a grain of salt. There may be more to her side of the story. Also, I suspect that if he really wanted to leave her, you wouldn't be able to talk him out of it.
I am going to respond to you with the thought foremost in my mind that you, as a married woman, are seeing this and judging it from the perspective of what the poor, wronged, innocent wife. If that were the case, he would not be my boyfriend.
If it helps you put your indignation aside, she has told him, and a few others, that she knows he has a girlfriend and as long as he keeps her life the way she wants it, she won't talk about it and will act as though she never said it. THAT is ignoble and selfish. To know that you are shackling a human being to you, at the cost of his happiness, by playing on his sense of duty and responsibility is the height of selfishness and cruelty.
And yes he HAS left her. More than once. On one of those occasions, he didn't tell me for two days for the very reason I have already discussed.
As far as the rest of your comments, whether they are from the wife's perspective or not, it really isn't for you to judge how he treats me. I doubt one woman in a million would be able to say her husband treats her anywhere near as loving and kind as you claim to know he doesn't treat me. I am the envy of every woman who has ever seen us together but that isn't how I know. His love for me is what causes him to suffer so tremendously and yet he goes on doing what I ask of him. I can't get into the specifics and frankly, it isn't anyone's business but I did have to address those judgments you so casually stamped on a person you do not know and a situation you presume to have analyzed well enough to judge and answer for.
As for his wife, I actually know her, so my knowledge is firsthand. Second, I take great exception to your assuming you know whether or not he is a noble or good or even terrible man since you don't know him.
Don't insert your own marriage into this picture and imagine yourself in her place or mine. You don't have all the answers and while your response was an emotional reaction from a wife thinking of herself as the wronged woman, your judgments and assertions were terribly narrow, stereotypical, and unkind.
Not every situation fits a formula or has black and white answers. There are shades of gray and some places where hearts break and bleed for the sake of making the best out of a heartbreaking situation. It doesn't call for others to stomp on them and stamp indictments on them,
Well, I guess you can say I have an "Open Marriage" - my husband of 17 yrs married; however together for 20 yrs. In short..I was not experienced..hated adult films..later learn from them to please not only myself but my husband. I had my first affair it was fun..exciting..I learn more things not only that pleased my husband but the man I was with as well as myself. Thug love if you will. To this day we are still friends. He and my husband finally met just about 2 yrs ago...but from that experience my friend told me never leave my husband with the notion we (he and I ) would get together as he was not a role model for the children in my life. I think that made me love him even more. He help me understand men on a Man's point of view. I told him the day he walks out of my life is the day I would have to deal with reality. I longed for his companionship and his conversation; however I worked at my marriage but longed to have something extra on the side..I call it "Sum Strange" not lookn' to replace what I have but to have fun with no strings attach..do things that I do not get to do with my husband. Bascially in the long run hubby and I had a talk started doing some things differenly and finally to keep me around and cater to me he said I could have a "Homie Lover Friend" after 2 yrs of him sayn' that I never found anyone I liked or appealed to me..then 4 mos ago I did; however he is younger and things have spiraled out of control we said those 3 words to one another and now I am tryn' to let it go and he wont now what do I do? We are not friends no more..no more fun..it has become intense "A Relationship" and he is willing to wait until my gurls graduate so we can move on with our new beginning. Any advice no matter how bad or good? Not sure what happen for us to say those words. It definitely was not the Sex..but we share alot..he is a Male version of myself. So what does that say about me?
Secret Sally, you keep saying how this arrangement has been so good for YOU. What about for your husband?
I'm stunned whenever I come here about the lengths people will go to to justify cheating.
I've been married for 23 years, most of it happily but about 7 years ago my marriage hit a huge bump. I accidentally found a very sensual email on my husband computer and confronted him about it. It was some Russian woman he was communicating with. Of course this created a huge argument and I was crushed. I guess that is what prompted me to get online in those chat rooms, to see what was out there and why men found them so attractive. I had a few "flings" as a result of meeting online men but I was still working hard to save my marriage. I met a man that I talked to online for many many months before meeting in person. Our affair began as a sexual affair, for both of us. He is also married and was seeking sexual intimacy outside his marriage. This was 6 years ago! We have been together for 6 years and counting. We have been there for each other through so much. We share family stuff, job stuff, everything. When something bad happens in our lives, we are the first one we call for comfort or to share something great. Our affair moved from sexual to emotional to longterm full fledged relationship. We have been extremely cautious not to be found out and have to say we have done a great job at it. We finally reached the point where we admitted to each other that we are IN LOVE with each other. As for my marriage and how this 6 year affair has affected it.....I believe it has done wonders! I love my husband with all my heart and anytime we've come close to a breakup, it devastes me to no end. I want to grow old with my husband. So why the affair you might ask?? I get the sex from my "bf" that I dont get from my husband. My bf and I have this almost high schooler crush on each other. We are very very close, my bf and I, and it's almost like an "escape" for me. My affair does not take anything away from my marriage, if anything, it has made me more emotionally attached to my husband. It may sound selfish of me to want my cake and eat it too but it has worked very well in my life. I also have a very good sounding board for issues that arise between my husband and I. Here recently my bf and his wife almost split up. He began probing me to see if he and I could be together. I was in a bit of a panic at first but as we spoke about it further, I think I realized that it likely wasnt going to happen because he and his wife began to patch things up. It was fun talking about how it would be if we were together, that part was so neat for both of us. But, for now, we are back to where we were before, just spending time with each other, loving each other and just in a very comfortable place. Ah yes, as for his sex life at home.....he has none. I am his only sex life and we have an awesome one. Maybe this isnt for everyone but it has worked very well for me and my bf.........for 6 years! And counting.........
I have been on and off with great guy for 9 years. So I can say that I love him, but recently I have been questioning our relationship. We have become way to comfortable with each other. We hardly see each other any more, like once to three times a month. We talk occasionally , I believe the spark is gone. And now there is a new spark flaming. I work with this man, known him for 6yrs. Unfortunately he is unavailable,and he says that he feels the same way too. It is new to him in the sense that it has never happened at all like this. I just am a little uneasy about the unavailable part. But it is so great to be around him, I see him of course a lot more than my current relation. Wow , I hope I'm not sounding to crazy. Forgive me it is my first time expressing my feelings to complete strangers. If anyone has some helpful tips please let me know, they may help. Thanks. Luverornot.
I had never thought of it, but I guess I started it with an object affair. Looking back, I guess I loved my computer and my TV more than I loved my wife, and she felt the loss. She is a very emotional person, and I wasn't fulfilling my part of the sexual relationship. For me, once a week was plenty. Then she met Him. The three of us became good friends; you might even say best friends. He is married, and we also love his wife.
With my wife missing part of her relationship with me, it probably made it easy for her to fall for Him. First it was an emotional connection, but it later turned into a full blown relationship. My job working nights made it easy for them to have their liaisons, and I was none the wiser.
I found out, nearly a year into their relationship, when my wife left their secret email account open on her computer when she went to work.
I was crushed! I even had thoughts of killing myself. Fortunately, I had a good friend that I talked to for most of the day on the phone. I also had an existing appointment to talk to a psychologist the following day (about depression). I later talked to a therapist that we had both gone to previously, and she helped. I confronted both of them later that night. We talked for about 8 hours, and are still talking 3 weeks later.
Now, for the part that relates. My wife's affair helped our marriage.
I never realized how much I loved my wife. Or that I had been holding back my own love all these years (we've been together over 20 years). We had always been close, but nothing compared to now (at least for me... I think she always felt this way about me). Her affair was such an emotional kick in the head that I feel unbelievably stupid for not being more open with her all these years. The last 3 weeks have been amazing... and a little bit strange. I no longer care about the computer or the TV, and all I want to do is spend time with my wife. I now look forward to growing old with her. I want to change to the day shift so that I can spend more time with her. I can't imagine spending time apart from her.
As an aside, we had our first fight the other night. When she got mad at me, it felt like she had ripped out my heart. I openly cried in front of her. Before, I would have gotten mad right back at her, and we would have gone on being pissed at one another for days. This time, we made up quickly, and both felt better that we had cleared the air so quickly. She said that this was the way she felt (heart ripped out) whenever I got mad at her in the past, and I never, ever want to make her feel that way again.
The friend with whom she had the affair (and we are still friends, now closer than ever) asked if I could turn back time and change it so that the affair never happened, would I. I didn't hesitate is saying no. The love I now feel for my wife, and the openness we share, both in and out of the bedroom, are so amazing, my only wish is that it had happened 20 years ago, as I feel I've missed out on those years.
But I would be lying if I said it didn't still hurt. But each day, it hurts a little less.
I have been married for almost 12 yrs. and never had an affair )although i was presented with the opportunity form a past boyfriend once and refused), however, my husband had an affair between yrs 6 and 9 of our marriage and I still to this day believe it would never have ended if i hadn't found out and fought for my marriage. But now a few years later i find myself regretting that fight. I too crave someone else in my life. I have been contimplating an affair for almost two years now and recently met someone who is soooo much of what i am looking for that it seems like fate. he is tall, dark, handsome, funny, intelligent, and feedsa the emotional side of me in a way that my husband hasn't in many years!!! I am so torn right now but I talk to or text this "other man" daily and he sends me the sweetest text messages throughout his work day. I can barely reach my husband some days and also my husband is never home directly after work (he has a drinking problem) and always stops off to grab a drink or 2 or 3 or 4 before coming home. Although I feel bad for my husband i desperately would like the opportunity to pursue a relationship with this "other man". I find myself thinking about him alot and our relationship is just so fresh and new that it feels good to me and having someone actually pay attention to me aftwr 13 yrs with the same man is GREAT!!!!!
There is alot of sexual attraction as well but because of my marriage I am of course reluctant to act on those feelings. I often feel as though his (my husbands) affair put me in the position to want another man in my life...but in reality it HAS to be much more than that because i am completely falling for this "other man".
After nearly 25 years of complete monogamy with my husband, I expressed desire to him to be with another man. This was something we discussed for months, and he understood my reasons (which were basically just to experience another man, as I had only 1 partner before hubby). He is very open minded, and we decided to "open" our marriage. I've had a boyfriend now for a little over a year.
In no way has this relationship adversely affected my relationship with my husband. In fact, it has brought us closer because we have been able to express desires that we never discussed before. I was not lacking sex or emotion in my marriage...we have a wonderful relationship, and we consider each other soulmates. I don;t see my boyfreind more than every few weeks, but he is an important part of my life at this point, and a dear friend, most importantly.
I know this falls under the category of polyamory, which is how I define myself at this point, however, I do belieeve their are similarities. I admit I was lacking "something" although I don't believe what i lacked was due to my relationship with hubby, but rather a self esteem issue. In retrospect, I believe didn't find myself attractive to other people, and this has been a huge self esteem boost for me, as odd as that sounds. I feel many people who have affairs do so for self esteem issues, and agree the person having the affair is lacking something in their life, although the point I'm trying to make is that an affair isn;t always about lacking something in your current relationship, it can be based on self esteem.
I know my lifestyle is not for everyone, but without realizing it initially, I now feel like an authentic person. I agree with the author, that the desire to have an affair does indicate "something" needs to be addressed, I just don;t feel it's so black and white as to the reasons.
I found out 10 weeks ago that my husband of 5 years has had no less that 4 affairs. This has been devastating to me. However, as stupid as this sounds, this is a man I still love. I asked him if he loved any of these women; his answer was "Oh GOD no!" After I got over my tears and yelling, I realized there had to be a reason this was happening. I chose to go to counseling and pushed him to join me. Together, we are discovering quite a lot about the things that were missing from our marriage and things that we can do that we can do to work on this relationship. During this time, I've never hated my husband nor really wanted him to leave, I merely knew something was really, really wrong. He works out of town and had the affairs while away from home. Building trust is hard and I do find myself worrying constantly, but we are learning new respect for each other, and he is working hard to rebuild that trust. I do believe that my finding out about his infidelities has had a positive effect overall. This has forced me to really look at our relationship in a brutally honest light and I am able to assess that there were problems I was in denial about. I am grateful we are working on things and I am certain that with time we will get through this and find our union much stronger.
Well, and many being older than most on here I suspect, my opinion may be too radical....but I actually think that a positive outcome can come out of a cheating situation at times. There are many times when the thing "lacking" IS the spouse/partner's issue and yet during the time it takes for them to get their stuff together, both partners can get hurt in a way that adds even more to overcome. From this sort of scenario I have seen many couples who too frequently "grow apart" permanently. When handled carefully a bit of a "filler" (emotional or sexual) can actually free a person to re-focus on their "real life." Ideally, the couple would set boundries and "let" their spouse have the experience....but then, most people live in too much fear of loss.
Everyone seems to make the assumption that when the 2 got married it was all normal. Well, people get married for all different kinds of reasons : pregnancy; one is more dominating and the other passively goes along with it; some do it because they are running away from something and not necessarily towards the person they are about to marry; some have been dating/living together for years and 1 says marry me or I'm leaving you. There are just as many and more why people cheat. Nothing in life is black and white, most of it is gray. I've seen people stay together because the man doesn't want to lose 1/2 of what he's made or the woman not want to see it or she'll be forced to do something about it. Most of the time time I see people stay together because it's easier...thus they use the expression, I'll work on it.
personally I think we should have a marriage liciense only last so many years before you have to renew it...if you want...it would be more realistic. marriage is a piece of paper, a legal arrangement...it gets you legal rights to things (stuff) ins. at work, deaths without wills, etc.
Hopefully one grows and changes throughout life and not all the time does your mate. You have your young hormonal love , you have the person you want to have a family with and then you have the person you wish to spend the last 1/3rd of your life with.
im not married but my boyfriend that i live with wants to have sex with another woman - he says it s because i am his longest relationship he has had with out cheating. I am 38 and he is 29. the only reason we ended up talking about it was because i was upset at the text messages & Pictures i found on his phone. I need honesty in my life and i told him that. so now he thinks i should date other guys and he will go have sex with this woman ( dirty whore i think - she knows about me and that he loves me but she still comin at him?) anyway if i date i will probably find someone that i will move on with and he thinks when he gets it out of his system he will realize that either i am the 1 he wants to settle down with or not.
Unfortunately i am still with him for not all great reasons and I know that I will enjoy myself too much if
i start dating - i am really unsure what to do and if i should even be accepting of this.
Wow you've said a lot here...seems to me that you are both perhaps unsure of where you stand and where you want to be with each other.
As an extremely liberal thinker I may be the wrong one to speak here but I'll do it anyway.
In my opinion saying that only one "type" of marriage or relationship is the "right" kind is like saying one type of shoe will fit everyone in the world. Some relationships work out fine with the man being the breadwinner and the woman being holly homemaker...I think we all know that does not work for every couple. So is it to much of a stretch to say that different sorts of relationships or commitments work for different couples?
With that said I'll say I honestly believe that some people need to "revamp" the way their relationship works. If that (and a few rounds of open honest discussion) does not work then by all means...move on.
Sounds like you're both ready to move on. he wants to sleep with someone else and give it a try and if you start dating you know you'd find someone else. If what you have is true love together neither of you would be talking this way. Life is short people spend your precious time where you have a mutual love and respect for each other and you actually want to be with each other.
if you are that unsure then you need to let yourself find something better and that does not neccarily mean you have to stay with him to do so
OH, My goodness. Why do we make things out to be sooooo much more complicated than they have to be!?! I can't say I have ever seen or heard of an affair that had a positive outcome. However, even the thought of stepping out, it signals something down inside of ourselves that need to be addressed. Give yourself a cleansing examination of your thoughts, of you, of what you need and want. 9 times out of ten, if you stress what you need and want from your partner, they will comply, give it time. Our selfishness interferes with giving of ourselves to the one we love. Put it in check, and fight for the one you love.
This article reflects some real truth in my own life. I didn't run off to be with another woman, but the urge was there. It made me take a good, hard look at myself and what I wasn't getting in my relationship. More importantly for me, it made me see why I wasn't getting it. Ultimately, it made the relationship stronger because I actively chose to commit myself to it.
I believe the lack is in the cheater. It is not the marriage or the spouse. There is a hole in the cheater and that is their responsibility to fill or ask for what is needed. There is never a reason to commit adultery. How abut leaving, how about honesty with the self and the spouse? How about vows, communication? The same steps can be taken without the affair. ie. getting needs met. The action is not taking responsibility for oneself. Insight and personal growth is without the cheating and profound hurt for all which follows. The pain never goes away entirely. Just say NO, like and adult.
kwd
If Formica put as much effort into working on himself and his relationship, as he has in formulating what I consider one of the most absurd excuses I have heard yet, there would be no need for the affair.
He needs to start going within himself, instead of another woman, to find his answers, and why he is in so much DENIAL. Until he does, he is of no use to either women.
~Best Wishes~
I need to revise my original comment. I went over and read Formica's article, and what it is actually saying, is that before you run off head first into an affair, stop and examine yourself.
He states: When we enter into a relationship are are looking to satisfy what we perceive to be our needs, desires, and wants, and we choose that particular partner, because we believe they will fulfill them. We consistently seek out the same person (with different faces), unconsciously seeking out the same thing.
However, when we have a primary relationship, and we are considering stepping out on the side, they are chosen for the opposite reason. Rather than seeking to fulfill a perceived need, desire, or want, we are seeking to fulfill a perceived lack.
Therefore, if you are emotional intelligent, you would take a good hard look at yourself, from the inside, and work with yourself to figure out what it is exactly, you feel you are lacking.
"We are never angry for the reason we think we are."
I totally agree because alot of people are only trying to fulfill their own wants and exclude the things that they need. Furthemore, they also exclude their sig other what is what really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that what I`m about to say don`t matter to anyone but me, but that is the reason that their are so many diseases but will the one that is catched be one that you can get rid of?????????????????????????????????? THINK MY BROTHER! THINK MY SISTER!
Everybody changes. You may look in the mirror and see the same person you saw five years ago but your not. We change with our roles and responsibilities, or relationships and our influences; and with those changes come new needs and feelings. I needed something more than my wife could give me. I felt bad because she is a good woman and she didn't deserve to be cheated on, but I needed more. Things she couldn't give me. I told her for years about my needs and never had them met. So I stepped out and I don't feel bad about it. How long are you suppose to just go unfulfilled? Something eventually has to give.
You are supposed to go unfulfilled until you have the courage to make a change. If tyou have an ummet need or desire and have addressed it with your partner and he/she refuses to acknowledge, it you must choose to leave or choose to deny yourself. Leading a life of dishonesty and unauthenticity is damaging to ones soul and so unfair to the family......"Grow up. Be a man"
Then you use those twins that hang below your rod, and get out of the original relationship first, before securing plan B.
Most people, and marriages, do change. Very true. But to look for that something outside your marriage is wrong, not not mention ILLEGAL. You should watch yourself, especially if you are in the military buddy!!! Sometimes what we think we want is not it. The next time you think you've found that thing, you'll be looking for something else. Will you EVER be satisfied, hix? And have you thought about what your wife might have wanted all this time, and whether SHE will look outside the marriage too? Just food for thought from a close friend.
Online dating is lame. So much time wasted emailing ugly chubby women (and men!). I prefer to CyberDate hot models and spend my money on them instead of on dinner, drinks and roses. Sure, CyberSex is better than real sex! But, it can be considered cheating. But doesn't each couple have their own definition of cheating? To some, flirting is cheating. My wife and I have occassional threesomes with her girlfriends. Cheating? No, it's OK with her and there is no lying involved. If I was to do anything with another woman by myself, she would consider that cheating. As for CyberDating, or cybersex, I would recommend that you visit a site like www.CyberDateMe.com if you are a woman looking to safely CyberDate men. It's safer than a strip club or a blind date!
Sometimes the affair can actually help the couple as you have put it that is if the one who cheated realise what it was that lead to him cheating.
But in my case my husband has not said what it was that was missing in our marriage for him to go and sleep with another woman and neglected me when i was expecting. I have tried to make him say what it was that made him cheat on me. He did it not once but for a year he had been cheating until i discovered on my own that he was having an affair. Is it possible that a man can just sleep with another woman for no reason at all. I feel he can still cheat the fact that he hasnt said what made him do what he did not just once but several times with the same woman. can someone help me because i feel so bad about it. I have been telling him that i am the woman he married and i have not changed so what is it that he wanted which i have not given him.
As a good proper PC poly person, I have to say that "cheating" -- doing it without your partner's knowledge and consent -- just stinks. It can wreck your marriage/ relationship and leave scars on your partner (and you) for life. I'm sure there are some lucky people who get away with it and benefit, but the risks are too high.
Not to mention (speaking from high horse here) major damage to your integrity and karma. Either discuss it with your partner and ask for their okay, or leave, or don't do it at all, say I.
> Unless you're inclined towards polyamory,
> extramarital relations are generally frowned upon.
Oh my, I'm glad to learn that poly *isn't* generally frowned upon at least in Tango's editorial offices. . . . Out in the wider world, I'm afraid, we still have a longer way to go.
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